I remember the good old days when Emmerdale characters simply left to go to Spain or even Norfolk, rather than an exit requiring more stunts than a Bond movie for their final episode. Whatever did happen to Matt Skilbeck? They should bring him back to calm things down a bit.

Shepherd Matt went through losing his first wife, Peggy, experiencing the subsequent death of their twins, seeing his second marriage to Dolly disintegrate and being charged with manslaughter and all with the same expression on his face (though he did get a wee bit emotional when nasty Harry Mowlem – a Zak Dingle for a simpler age - kicked his sheep dog).

Whatever happened to the cosy Emmerdale you could come home from work to and fall asleep in front of?

No chance of nodding off during Thursday’s hour long special which managed, amazingly, to justify the ludicrous kidnap plot by hurling in plot twist after plot twist to the point where the frankly ridiculous became sublime.

It was a fitting send-off for soap bad guy Cain Dingle and a rollercoaster ride of an episode, with shocks galore. To be honest, I thought the scene where Sadie got shot was far too gruesome for early evening viewing, even if it did turn out to be faked, but the denouement of this plot line was otherwise perfectly executed and far more satisfying than it would have been had anyone actually been bumped off.

Belting entertainment and it’s not often I say that about Britain’s barmiest soap.

Just give us the facts

The term “trial by television” always put me in mind of The Frost Programme and David Frost’s electric encounter with Emil Savundra. Of course Savundra was on camera to answer these allegations and managed to damn himself with his own words.

The BBC’s attack on Sam Allardyce’s reputation on Monday night felt more like a crucifixion than a trial though tellingly it seems they’d forgotten to bring the nails.

Panorama’s investigation into the murky world of football’s inner dealings was a year in the making and much anticipated but what a damp squib it turned out to be, with all the evidence on display being largely hearsay and no real shocking revelation from any of the managers themselves.

So as Allardyce’s name came up again and again I sat waiting for the smoking gun…and waiting…and waiting.

While some rule infringement might have been taking place, the whole bung scenario – which, frankly, I’d be amazed if it didn’t go on – was hardly exposed at all with the majority of the show taken up by agents larging themselves up to woo a non-existent investor. There seemed to be more smoke and mirrors than hard evidence.

It seemed like a waste of time and effort to me.

I wonder whether the investigation ended so abruptly and without uncovering any really damning facts because the show had to meet an airdate. I hope not, because I thought the BBC’s current affairs department had more integrity than that, but I can’t for the life of me understand why they pulled back from the brink and failed to do more than cast doubt.

Why were some teams and managers named while others were bleeped out? This should have been explained. Why state that eighteen past and present managers have been involved if you’ve not got enough faith in the allegation to name them?

Known in some circles

Far more illuminating has been the wonderfully entertaining Big Ron Manager, the latest step in Ron Atkinson’s media rehabilitation, which was marvellously chaotic and beautifully described by Jeff Stelling, a god amongst sports presenters.

This tale of little Peterborough’s plucky but doomed attempt to secure a play-off place for promotion has been one of the best things on the telly all year, though Big Ron had to play second fiddle to the true star of the piece: out-of-his-depth caretaker boss Steve Bleasdale, whose passion for the game didn’t really help him when it came to man management.

Funniest scene of the whole series was Steve trying to break up a dressing room brawl while shouting “calm down” in his gloriously rich scouse accent. Memories of Harry Enfield came flooding back but the real thing was far funnier.

Some sharp editing meant that Steve’s every move became a piece of masterly comic timing and his shock resignation in the dressing room just minutes before a crucial match was television gold. Add the bluster of club owner Barry Fry to the mix and you really had something special.

Reality telly at its best.

Potless

More good fly-on-the-wall from Skint, now into its second series, and still centre of attention is Big Issue seller Vernon. His never say die spirit can be quite uplifting, though it is quite heartbreaking to see him lurch from one disappointment to the next while the camera crew films on impassively.

I can’t help feeling that the people featured in the show are somewhat exploited. Surely they are in receipt of some sort of payment for appearing in the show, but either this isn’t much – as that would distort the “reality” of the situation – or it’s a decent wedge, in which case the thing becomes a bit of a sham.

It’s marvellously entertaining though.

Watching the Detectives

If you thought Taggart was dour and Rebus was a tad on the dark side, those shows seem positively upbeat against the dark tale of murderous cops caught in a labyrinthine plot of the Edinburgh-based Low Winter Sun.

The scheduling somewhat hampered the flow of the show, it being a big ask of the audience to expect us to keep up with all the threads of this thriller for over a week. If any show was crying out to be screened on consecutive nights it was this, though I wonder whether the decision was made to attract viewers to the first look showing of part two on More 4 immediately after part one.

That’s a minor quibble though; this was gripping stuff throughout and paced brilliantly with commendably contrasting performances from Brian McCardie and the ever dependable Mark Strong.

If you missed it, rent the DVD. This was quality.

Go on, have a crisp

It was good to see dinner lady Nora back on our screens as Jamie’s Return to School Dinners showed just how far we’ve still got to go.

It was fascinating to see Jamie try to change things in Lincolnshire by getting local pubs to provide dinners to local schools, leading battleaxe Nora to go into battle with a pub chef over the state of his kitchen.

As in the original series I was struck by the fact that while this was good television the amount of good it can do may be limited, Jamie seeming increasingly frustrated that money remained an issue despite the promise of extra funds from the government.

As least on meeting Tony Blair, Jamie was far less deferential than many political interviewers and seemed to get some genuine concessions from the PM. The problem is that no matter how much money you throw at it, there’ll be no major health benefits unless attitudes change and while this programme’s crusade has taken many with it, there are loads of parents it hasn’t.

Life could be breezier

Characters such as Honey, Bradley and Minty used to be light relief in EastEnders. As they’ve all got sad stories at present, where’s the light to go with the shade?

Now that Kate Williams had joined the cast alongside former Love Thy Neighbour alumni Rudolph Walker, how long before the rest of the surviving cast turn up?

Kate seems perfect for this show. Why did it take them twenty one years to cast her?

Snippets

Casualty is so infrequently off our screens that it seems a bit of a cheek to call this a new series. Great to see Duffy again but a 'where are they now?' show featuring former cast members would be good.

Wire in the Blood has always struck me as being in dubious taste. There's a danger that a show such as this can border on pornography and it's dangerously close to the line.

I’m with Stupid seem to have lost some of its edge now it’s gone to series, despite a strong cast. I’m sticking with it though.

I was laughing nearly all the way through the David Bowie episode of Extras but the bit with the Thin White Duke making a song up on the spot about Andy was pure genius.

They should schedule That Mitchell and Webb look before Extras because it’s not fair for any comedy to have to follow that.

It’s good to see Hugh Dennis on top form in Mock the Week after seeing him completely wasted in the dire My Hero.

End of the pier

The night before newspaper allegations came out surrounding Debra Stephenson, I was watching her give what can most politely be described as a distracted performance on Blackpool’s North Pier. She does a great Hayley impression, mind.

Top of The Bill – see what I did there? – was Bernie Nolan, who produced a storming set. It’s such a shame that great professional acts like this can’t find a home on telly anymore as variety shows like X Factor are packed with amateurs without a tenth of the talent of our Bernie.