End of the Piers Show

In the seventies we had Mickie Most and Tony Hatch to hiss at, in the eighties it was Nasty Nina Myskow and now as New Faces returned, thinly disguised as Britain’s Got Talent, we have a new nemesis to love to hate.

Piers Morgan – on the back of his success on the American version – was installed here. Presumably he isn’t quite as loathed over there as he is on this side of the pond. I could understand his casting if his barbs at the bad acts or digs at Simon Cowell were in the least bit funny but sadly they just aren’t. Where there should be a hint of wit, we get spite and occasional bile.

That wouldn’t be so bad but he puts my teeth on edge even more when he’s actually being nice about the acts, a bit like watching a cat being playful with a mouse before going in for the kill. Very unnerving.

Meanwhile Amanda Holden’s contributions are barely worth listening to. I wish she’d stop thumping on about whether The Queen would like it or not, she’s like a cracked record. Simon is on decent form but without decent panellists to spark off he’s not at what you’d call the top of his game.

As for the acts themselves, there are fairly uniformly awful, though if they really want to tread the boards they should apply for jobs as holiday camp entertainers where talent doesn’t seem to be a prerequisite to getting on stage.

If proof were needed that things aren’t particularly special, in Saturday’s semi final the judges put through two juggling barmen with a hardly inspiring act. The little six-year-old girl won the public vote and it would take a really hard-hearted cynic of a critic to say that she didn’t deserve it. I felt a bit manipulated though.

As ever Ant and Dec managed to bring a bit of light-hearted relief to proceedings and I have to say that without their presence, the thing would be barely watchable. It’s done good business in the ratings so I’m sure it’ll be back but a recast of the judges could well be in order.

Louis Walsh, all is forgiven.

Transformers

Early days yet but Jekyll is already shaping into an interesting watch. A modern day take on the classic novel, it opens with the tortured Doctor Jackman employing Zoe Slater out of EastEnders to help him come to terms with his dangerous alter ego. I wonder if he found her in the Yellow Pages.

This could have been rather daft but James Nesbitt is rather good as the tortured Jackman and chillingly magnetic as the emerging dark force that is Hyde.

Things are helped along enormously by Meera Syal’s unconventional private eye while Gina Bellman also shines as Jackman’s confused missus.

There is perhaps a little less dark humour than I would have expected from a Steven Moffat script but on this occasion that’s no bad thing. The pace and the tone seem about perfect and in a genre that television so rarely gets right, this is a proper treat.

It seems odd that it’s going out in summer though. I’m half tempted to record the rest and save them for those long winter nights when it’s great to be terrified by the fireside.

Splat

Were you Tiswas or Swap Shop? Or were you one of those set right next to the telly, chopping and changing between the two? There were moments during the reunion show when I wished I could switch to Noel Edmonds but not that many.

If you’re too young to remember the show, just think Soccer AM without the football and you’re more or less there.

This was one memory lane show where I found all the self indulgent backslapping acceptable because self indulgence seemed to be what the original was all about, basically a bunch of overgrown schoolboys mucking around for two hours in a telly studio with little care as to whether the audience at home was enjoying it or not.

Or course, we loved it but then in its day this truly was anarchic telly and not the contrived-to-look-like-anarchy stuff that followed it.

The closest this revival got to the spirit of the original was when Status Quo got a complete utter and relentless gunging and soaking.

Chris Tarrant looked more at home doing this than he had done on telly for years. Maybe they should have another stab at the failed adult spinoff.

There was – for me – one glaring omission amongst all the returning faces. No Cough the Cat! Shocking!

Whowatch

It seems such a waste going to the trouble of casting someone as good as Derek Jacobi and then only giving them chance to show how good they can be as the baddie for a few fleeting minutes before getting rid of them.

The entire purpose of this week’s episode seemed to be to set up the big finale, so it didn’t quite seem like a proper instalment at all.

At least Captain Jack was back and in an episode bursting with exposition, we found out in a few short sentences just what had happened since he rose from the dead. As they seem to make one episode a series with the Doctor barely present, surely they could have told that tale on screen.

No need though as I’m sure a flock of Captain Jack – The Wilderness Years novels will be appearing before too long.

So the big revelation was the return of The Master, but admit it, you’d sussed that weeks ago hadn’t you? The watch thing was the clincher wasn’t it?

With our hero trapped at the end of the universe, who is going to save the earth from the evil Time Lords clutches? Where’s Gene Hunt when you really need him?

Bits n Bobs

Marlon got shot in Emmerdale. I’ve been waiting for that to happen for ages. Viv next please.

Celebrity Masterchef is that rare thing, a worthwhile reality show. This was all about the contestants improving themselves and by the final week – with the possible exception of the two hosts – there wasn’t an over inflated ego in sight. Fair play to Nadia Sawalha for winning but in my book Craig and Midge emerged as winners too. Great telly.

8 out of 10 cats returned with Dave Spikey replaced by another bloke who was about as funny. Oh well! Easily the best bit was Johnny Vegas mercilessly ribbing Katie off The Apprentice about her potential spin off show. As for Vic Reeves, he gets more obscure with every appearance.