The Secret Diary of a Call Girl? If only it could have remained a secret. I can understand now why this much-trailed Billie Piper vehicle is going out on second string ITV2. It's about as sexy as cold rice pudding. Incidentally, if you think that cold rice pudding is sexy, please don't email me.

Somehow, despite Billie spending much of the time in skimpy underwear and even producing a saddle and a whip at one point, the show completely fails to be at all erotic. Now that's not a problem really, but what you would expect is for the tale to be told with some wit or at least a modicum of humour. That doesn't happen either.

There are a couple of saving graces. Firstly it doesn't last that long, though even at twenty odd minutes it did run, I still found time to get bored with it. The other plus point - the real saving grace - is Cherie Lunghi as the very businesslike madam Stephanie. There certainly seems to be more mileage in that character than in Belle.

Perhaps the problem is the casting of Piper, because it just doesn't feel right somehow. Is this really the same actress that had a nation on the verge of tears when Rose left Doctor Who. "I know you don't believe I enjoy the sex, but I do," she says, very early on, to the camera. By the end of the episode I still didn't.

Those of us looking for sassy intelligent adult drama have been left disappointed, though possibly pubescent teenage boys and the makers of Kleenex may not feel quite so let down.

I'm only happy when it rains

I suppose there's a fair chance that Lewis Hamilton will win the BBC Sports Personality of the Year. Odd that, because to me he seems about as charismatic as Nigel Mansell.

Now motor sport can be highly exciting, but Formula 1 is one its dullest forms, with the races more like processions and points often won and lost on the technicalities of the timing of pit stops rather than actual excitement on the track.

Unless it rains.

The Japanese Grand Prix started in conditions so bad that we got loads of laps with the cars stuck behind a safety car with no overtaking allowed. Happily, this meant that we got to hear driver after driver on their team radios saying how unsafe it was. Things were getting interesting.

When the race got underway we had spin-offs a plenty - World Champion Alonso crashing into a wall - fires and even more staggeringly, actual overtaking.

The sport should learn from this and water the track on dry days. Why not add the odd oil slick as well? This sport has long since lost its edge. In the torrent of Japan it found it again.

Louis won too.

Fall from Grace

For a soap which takes pride in its spectacular set pieces, Emmerdale didn't exactly pull out all the stops as glamorous-yet-dull Chief Inspector Grace made a grisly exit.

Blink and you probably missed the hapless sleuth being dealt a glancing yet fatal blow by a truck, just minutes after discovering that she'd been closer to Tom King's killer than she could have possibly imagined. Now there aren't many characters in this daft soap that I have much time for, but Grace was one of them and I thought she deserved a more elaborate farewell.

Seriously, the Tom King murder story is now in its tenth month. They really need to move on.

Ensuring the show doesn't lose its pantomime status, we had to endure the return of Nasty Nicola this week. This time though she's loaded – having seen off an elderly rich hubby – and has returned with an even more irritating accent but with the same old catty attitudes. Between this and Jack Sugden's agonising over Diane, the whole thing is slightly unbearable.

I can put up with it all though to catch the marvellous double act of Paula Wilcox and Duncan Preston as Laurel's warring parents. With masterly comic timing, this pair really are a joy to watch and if they aren't to be permanent fixtures, ITV should look into to giving them their own spin-off.

Like an old pair of slippers

After we were deprived of a series last year, it was great to see Doc Martin back on our screens, though we have to get used to a couple of adjustments.

PC Mylo was one of my favourites and has been replaced by a policeman who can't stay awake. I suppose I'll get used it but sadly the double act of Bert and Al Large has also been broken up, so it'll be a while until this feels quite as comfy as it did in its first two outings.

Martin Clunes is as good as ever in his role as the curmudgeonly GP happier fixing clocks than having to deal with people, while Debbie Chazen is a welcome addition to the cast as a harassed dinner lady with an overactive child.

The opener didn't quite hit the highs of the earlier shows but it is still cracking entertainment and I'm sure it'll pick up as it hits its stride.

Ditto

The guest list on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross was so uninspiring that I ummed and arred about whether to bother to watch.

I'm so glad that I did, because Beth Ditto completely won me over, to the extent that I revisited the Gossip CD that was gathering dust since I got it. Ditto was witty, charming, irreverent and totally engaging. More please.

Jamie Foxx also made for an excellent guest and credit has to given to Ross who is a very decent host on the occasions when he manages to keep his inflated ego in check.

Michael Ball was also on the show, proving the old adage that you can't get a coconut every time.

Because if I was your dad, then you wouldn't be so ugly

Is hobbitesque record shop worker Christian really Hayley's son in Coronation Street? He sort of resembles Top Gear's Richard Hammond after the jet car crash.

Christian was very unchristian this week as he found that Aunty Hayley was in fact Daddy Harold, and his reaction was to rearrange her features. I'm sorry but seeing lovely too-good-to-be true Hayley thumped in the face is just one step away from showing the drowning of some kittens.

Julie Hesmondhalgh certainly deserves some sort of acting gong for managing to put some heart and believability into a difficult storyline. The scene where a bloodied Hayley turns on an out-of-his-depth Roy was one of the best seen on television all year.

No match

The great thing about Sky One's The Match had been not the football – though the actual games had been surprisingly entertaining – but the build-up to it.

Its successor Premier League All Stars focuses on the actual play but at the end of the day, it's just third rate indoor soccer and it's all been a bit of a let down.

Part of the problem seems to be the presenting duo of Ian Wright and Helen Chamberpot. They don't exactly gel. Helen just hasn't seemed as good on Soccer AM since Lovejoy left, while Wrighty seems to get by on enthusiasm rather than actually being articulate.

Helen didn't seem that excited by events which is odd for a woman who finds watching Torquay United an enjoyable pastime.

Things seemed a lot better when Helen was subbed for Wolves fan Suzi Perry, but the concept isn't that gripping and the shows have often been up against real football on the sports channels, so you have to wonder whom it's aimed at.

Bits n Bobs

The sight of Shirley's landlord in his pants in EastEnders put me right off my dinner.

Martin and Emma lost out in The Restaurant this week, but to me they can leave with their heads held high. It's a refreshing change for reality telly to focus on the good rather than the bad in people, and this lovely hard-working couple are winners in my eyes.

Some people tell me they think it may have jumped the shark, but I thoroughly enjoyed the opener of the new Prison Break and fair play to Sky One for keeping the show in its familiar Monday night slot.