Perhaps the most unlikely victims of the alleged happy slapping antics of an X Factor contestant have been the members of Futureproof, the bland boyband cobbled together from singers not good enough to make the Boys category. That is a pretty low standard when you see how awkward Leon looks on stage and how utterly boring Andy is.

Futureproof certainly weren't terrible vocally but seem to have been killed off by absolutely terrible suits and truly woeful choreography. The arm movement looked to have been copied from Four Poofs and a Piano while any other attempt at movement had them either shuffling around like the cast of Last of the Summer Wine or appearing to tread grapes.

Had the revelations about Emily not emerged, surely she'd have gone. She wasn't a great singer after all.

If anyone deserves to voted off it's "creative director" Brian Squidbrain whose appalling routines are wrecking the show. I blame him for Kimberley's exit and this week's sad debacle.

The girls from Hope were also in the bottom two, largely for their incredibly cheesy lunge at Simon during their first performance. That was bad enough, but to repeat it at a point when Simon was clearly hacked off by events was bizarre in the extreme. At least they had some clothes on this week. How Simon could possibly have picked this shower over W4 is a complete mystery to me.

The most bizarre moment of the evening came during Niki's rendition of All That Jazz when a trombonist emerged from between her legs. Paul Daniels would have been proud of that one. Yet another example of a potentially good performer being made to look an idiot by one of Squidbrain's contrived routines.

Sometimes less is more.

Easily the star of the show though is the frankly amazing Rhydian. He had the temerity to appear in a completely over-the-top costume and perform a camp as Christmas rendition of Pink's 'Get The Party Started' while being backed by the Big Band.

This should have been Air Crash Television, you'd only expect to enjoy it on a "so bad it's brilliant" basis but somehow it was just brilliant. The boy can certainly sing but he's a true entertainer to boot. Off the top of my head, I can't think of anyone else who would have the swagger to pull it off.

The Emily thing – mentioned right at the start and subsequently glossed over – was the big talking point of the week though. This year's show has relied far too much on the sob stories of the contestants and they've really come unstuck having promoted this girl as "butter wouldn't melt" with a tragic back-story.

Perhaps they'll learn their lesson and concentrate on the singing next year, assuming this year's debacle doesn’t scupper any further series.

I doubt it though. This week even those rays of sunshine Same Difference were shown talking about being bullied at school. Onion-peeling telly, that's what I call it.

Here they come, the beautiful ones

Scott Maslen breezed into EastEnders this week as a policeman who may have a bit of a dodgy past. Thank goodness he hasn’t been typecast. Max’s brother? Pull the other one. That’s about as difficult to believe as that he’s Jim’s son.

It wasn’t long though before new boy Jack was circling Ronnie the way that Heather circles a doughnut. I really must stop calling Garry a doughnut. I feel an unconvincing romance between two very unconvincing characters coming on. You can see from the way that Ronnie is pointing her cheekbones that Jack doesn't stand a chance.

No matter though, because this week Bradley and Stacey were the centre of attention as their big day approached. They looked thrilled, didn’t they? Bradley always looks like he’s about to take an exam he hasn’t revised for, but when was the last time you saw Stacey smile? Perhaps Lacey Turner’s forgotten how. She didn’t seem overly thrilled at winning the NTA. (Why don‘t they have an NTA for TV critics? Totally unfair.)

We hadn’t had a will-they-won’t-they wedding in the soaps for a full twenty-four hours, so we had to be on the edge of our seats for this one. Would Sean spill the beans and ruin the big day? Would Tania find out the terrible truth? Would Winston get his annual line? The answer to all these questions was sadly no, but we knew that because of the blatant hidden video camera thing beforehand. Any tension was completely thrown away. Gutting that.

The key remaining question at the wedding turned out to be whether Sean's nose would disappear completely as his eyes got closer and closer together.

After a completely clichéd soap wedding, things were compounded by a completely clichéd soap poker game, credibility having long since caught the first available tube from Walford East.

Meanwhile Nicholas Ball waits ominously in the shadows, this being the precursor of yet another ill-advised venture into gangster territory for the soap. They always turn out badly.

Oh brother

Not to be outdone, Coronation Street also had a wedding marred by the antics of the bride's psychotic brother.

While Sarah stood at the altar preparing to make her vows, police frogmen were scraping the bottom of the canal looking for Dastardly David. Presumably Corrie's screenwriters had previously scraped the bottom of a barrel to come up with this plot.

Sure, we got to see David's stunt double dump his Fiesta into the drink at the same point that Richard Hillman had gone "off road", but it was hardly exciting stuff. It allowed Gail to go into her standard wailing and gnashing of teeth routine, but Sarah was determined to complete the ceremony. Jason looked as though he didn't care either way. I could empathise.

I get the feeling that David is capable of wiping out his whole tedious family in one devastating act. I wish he'd get on with it.

Meanwhile in the corner shop, Dev got to play a scene with a scotch egg. The scotch egg was very good.

Dance stance

Is there any point in Strictly Come Dancing being live anymore when the all-important results are taped on Saturday night and not shown until Sunday?

Poor Brucie stumbled badly over a gag last night –not that the gag would have been that good had he managed to get it out, but you could tell he was really annoyed by it. Why not prerecord the main show and allow these mistakes to be ironed out?

As ever, the nature of the show means that most of the dancing isn't what you'd call top notch and most of us watch in the hope of seeing some sort of catastrophe occur, but fair play to the celebs for having the nerve to allow the hatchet-faced judges to dent their fragile egos every week.

Indeed the judges seem to be under the misapprehension that they are the stars of the show, and some of the catty comments seem more for effect than for any sort of constructive criticism. Increasingly they are turning on each other, which seems rather cannibalistic. How long before one of them is horribly despatched as tempers flare?

I predict Arlene in the Ballroom with a Stiletto.

There has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth at the early exit of Gabby Logan, with Bruce even reminding viewers that that is dance contest. No it isn't. It's a popularity contest and always has been.

Claudia Winkleman is managing to fill two and half hours of telly a week with trivia based on this, though fair play to our forum members who seem to supply much of the material. She's a trooper isn't she?

Mills and Boom

I'm not sure who is more culpable; Heather Mills for embarking on an ill-advised and self-indulgent television crusade or the TV companies themselves for letting her.

GMTV - a company known for cutting off the Prime Minster or Leader of the Opposition in midflow to switch to a sponsored DIY segment – decided to devote a massive chunk of their show –twenty minutes - or so to allow Heather's performance to continue.

One thing you should never do is to appear on live television when you're angry. It did nothing for Alistair Campbell's reputation when he did so on Channel Four News and it did nothing to enhance Heather's here.

Part of my problem was I didn't quite believe the "breaking down on live television" spin. Maybe I'd be a bit more charitable about it had she just done the one show, though I felt she'd rehearsed what she was saying when being given a very gentle ride by Fiona Phillips. Every subsequent appearance made me think she was playing some sort of game.

The real key for me though was that I'd ignored most of the tabloid fodder about her divorce, as I suspect a majority of people had, but by causing such a media circus around it, she'd got people to take focus on it and subsequent probably done herself far more harm than good.

Next time, maybe she'd better advised to stay off the news shows and stick to the likes of Kyle and Goddard. They are used to people unravelling on air and thrive on it.

Still her "alright, la" impression of Sir Paul may just bag her a British Comedy Award.

Bits 'n' Bobs

No column last week, I was on my holidays. Sorry if you missed it.

Surely they learned from News Knight that Sir Trevor can't do gags, so why let him die on his arse at the NTAs?

The return of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmare's was a right load of pollocks. Time for a new format for potty mouth, who was completely outmanoeuvred by Jonathan Ross this week.

Saturday Night Divas featured some great moments but why top and tail the show with truly awful performances from Chaka Khan? Surely Celine or Leona would have been far better. Both were on cracking form.

Amy Winehouse looked so uncomfortable at the MTV Awards that we wondered whether she'd get to the end of her song. She still sounded great though.