Ho Ho Ho and festive salutations to one and all!

In keeping with the general spirit of good will to all men and all that, this week's column will be filled with the milk of human kindness and I won't be nasty about anything I've seen on the box this week. Mind you, thinking about it, that's quite a tall order. Maybe I should just compromise and be slightly less catty than usual. Let's see how it goes.

My first problem was that all the Christmas preparations, parties and generally lame excuses to disappear to welcoming hostelries full of people who only drink once a year and end up looking like Amy Winehouse after just one glass of wine, I didn't catch a vast amount of telly.

The big event of the week was Oliver Twist but I selfishly decided to save watching that until Christmas Day afternoon given the tosh and tired old movies and repeats my favourite channels have decided to schedule after our own dear Queen (or maybe Dame Helen Mirren if Her Majesty fancies the day off) has addressed the nation.

Actually when I got my bingo pen thingy out to highlight the shows I didn't want to miss over the festive period, I soon found that I had only highlighted Doctor Who and Extras.

Blumen 'eck

Heston Blumenthal is perfect for British television. Not only is he very good at what he does in the kitchen but he has that sort of eccentric way about him that you simply have to have to capture the nation's hearts.

To say he puts a lot of thought into his creations is an understatement, but the Great British Public are often intimidated by someone with great intelligence. Carol Vorderman seems to dispel this potential hostility by dressing like a vamp, for Heston it's his uncanny resemblance to Eddie the Eagle Edwards that makes us comfortable with the fact that he's a bit of a smart arse.

Heston's seasonal special saw a bunch of famous faces enthusing over his perfect Christmas dinner. While the scenes of the great man creating these dishes and spanning the globe to do so are really great viewing, seeing Sue Perkins and Rob Brydon salivating over the fare on offer is just not the same as being about to smell and taste it yourself. It just seemed wrong to be munching on my Tangy Cheese Doritos while watching all this wonderfully indulgent food being lovingly and scientifically prepared. Even the sour cream and chive dip didn't seem to help.

Heston's a star, but to be frank, we didn't need the celebs. How many times can you stick Richard E Grant saying “extraordinary” in one programme? I kept expecting Julia Sawalha to stroll in with an Argos catalogue

Charlie says

The makers of Casualty got a rap across the knuckles this week for the graphic nature of the bomb blast episode that launched the new season. You'd think in light of that things would have been fairly toned down in this week's show.

As Charlie Fairhead said hello to a complete stranger outside a shop, everyone playing Spot the Victim at Hogan Towers shouted that she'd be run over and before we could place our bets she had been mown down in sudden, brutal and shocking fashion, even dragged up the road by the hit and run driver. We were stunned. It was a scene that wouldn't have been out of place in a Final Destination movie.

Sadly this was to be Charlie's swansong after 21 years of sterling service, and while they've been building up his exit for weeks now, it still seemed something of an anticlimax given the life or death end of season cliffhangers he's been involved heavily in over the years. I suppose the one bonus is that hopefully that's the last we'll see of irritant Louis.

Having lost Charlie and Josh in such a short space of time, it'll be interesting to see who can take on the mantle of being the show's iconic figureheads. It certainly won't be weirdo porter Big Mac, whose presence seems highly bizarre.

In the bleak mid winter

I'm supposed to be being nice this week so I can't tell you that I've been admonished by my partner for shouting “You thickie!” at the telly at frequent intervals during the run of Junior Mastermind. I could be wrong but there were times when I'm sure host John Humphrys was thinking exactly the same thing.

Michelle Connor got the shock of her life when knocking on the door of her son's stalker in Coronation Street. So taken aback was she that she fled in tears sobbing something like “It can't be”. We rewound to make sure that Nasty Nigel Lythgoe wasn't in shot.

Throughout the whole drama Liam looked as gormless as ever which explains why he and the equally planklike Maria get on so well. It's a wonder they didn't spontaneously combust while making babies. Ask a boy scout what happens when you rub two pieces of wood together.

Four Christmas

It was BBC Four that really got me into the Christmas spirit. Surprisingly even though it's come of age at 21 years old, the 1986 EastEnders Christmas special has stood the test of time rather well. The only bad thing about the clip show Xmas Turkeys on the Telly was its brevity.