Live blog: The first ever 'Daybreak'

5.59am: It's the start of a new era in breakfast television with the launch of ITV's new strand Daybreak with Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley. Join us over the next few hours as we live blog the first day's effort.

6.00am: The opening sequence. It's positive. Britain is waking up to an ascending Coldplay-esque melody. There's post! Toast! A woman walking her dog!

6.01am: First glimpse of the Daybreak studio. It's high up in the air, with a genuine view of the capital in the background through floor-to-ceiling glass windows. The room is simple enough, with wooden flooring and a simple sofa. Oooh, there's the golden couple, with more than a few friends around them. "Good morning, welcome to Daybreak," says Adrian, with Christine clarifying: "Dawn - it's happening. The day is breaking behind us."

6.02am: Adrian jokes that they spent "good money bringing you this view". The sweeping camera angles around their schmancy studio are nice, although at the moment we can't really appreciate the view.

6.03am: A quick guide to what's coming up, courtesy of the general news anchor. The sports anchor. The entertainment reporter. And the weathergirl. ALL. BASES. COVERED!

6.04am: The first report from the granddaddy of breakfast television, the newly-promoted-assigned "Special Correspondent", John Stapleton.

6.05am: It's an exclusive investigation into the collapse of the Farepak savings scheme. Very dumbed down, with helpful visual aids such as: "That's twice the number of people it takes to fill this. The Emirates stadium."

6.06am: John's in the studio to offer a few words about his pointless investigation. He seems less relaxed.

6.07am: A roundup of the major news stories of the day. Nothing unusual here.

6.11am: "11 minutes gone. No major messups so far," notes Adrian, before A&C take us on a tour of the studio, starting with the clock, which boasts a "big hand, little hand". The sports correspondent is sitting on a giant luminous desk. HR will have something to say about that, I'm sure.

6.13am: The weather girl is pleased with the large floor space in which she can prowl while delivering the day's forecast. Unfortunately the floor is wooden and she's wearing heals.

6.16am: Quick roundup of the big stories from the papers, including an item in The Sun about Chiles's (allegedly) hairy ears. "I can inform you all, he's shaved his ears, ladies and gentlemen, especially for you," laughs Christine. The Beast adds: "Never did I think I'd make page three of The Sun."

6.17am: The local news. Exactly the same as usual here in London, except WHERE ON EARTH IS CHARLENE WHITE?!?

6.18am: You can add your own thoughts and impressions on Daybreak using the box below, by the way.

6.20am: Daybreak's first innovative feature, the "5-a-day". It's the top five essential stories of the day!

6.22am: Well I feel fulfilled.

6.23am: First ad break.

6.26am: Dan, the nervous sports anchor, can't be trusted to deliver the news by himself. Chiles is on hand to heckle throughout.

6.28am: More weather from Ulrik... sorry, Lucy. She shows us "the latest scenes from Liverpool", where it's DAYBREAK on the Mersey. Less walking around this time.

6.29am: "We're in unchartered territory now," says Chiles. "We've never done a show together lasting longer than half an hour."

6.30am: Recap of the big headlines of the day. Top story, just to recall, is this Daybreak investigation into the Farepak scandal. A rotund lady is outraged in her garden.

6.33am: It's all very cynical so far. The next two items on the news agenda are 'is Wayne Rooney going mental?' and 'did David Cameron's head of communications know about the hacking at News of the World?'

6.34am: A few words about the NZ earthquake. No-one's being blamed for this.

6.35am: Chiles congratulates the residents of Ilkley in West Yorkshire, where they're enjoying a beautiful-looking DAYBREAK. One wonders how many hours of meetings the marketing department spent coming up with this idea to reinforce the branding.

6.36am: Advert for a Daybreak Exclusive coming up on Wednesday: a report about poverty in India. Serious Irish Woman investigates.

6.38am: "Prince Charles has got a busy week coming up," begins Chiles, before envoking a completely unnecessary image of the future King sitting in bed with Camilla.

6.41am: "It's gonna be great craic down here at Clarence House all week," concludes a decidely Less Serious Irish Woman.

6.42am: The next fun, innovative feature: Daybreakers. Adrian and Christine tease us with three slightly quirky news items/clips, and we vote online for the one we want to hear more about. Amazing. The marketing department hard at work once again.

6.43am: A glimpse of DAYBREAK in Port Isaac, the home of Doc Martin. On first glance it's very muddy, but zooming out reveals it to be just someone's back garden.

6.44am: Back to the local news. Here in London, we get a traffic update from Will, the man with the obscenely tight trousers.

6.47am: The consumer editor is live from Reading station to introduce pre-recorded voxpops from people who have underpaid their taxes. "They say there are two things you can expect in life - death and taxes," he waxes, "but now you can pretty much rely on the government to mess up when it comes to computer systems." Yes, but that's less of a punchy phrase, isn't it?

6.52am: A "beautifully, bright" DAYBREAK over the Tyne.

6.53am: Real test of Daybreak coming up in the 7am hour when it will be less news-focused and more feature-led. Main criticism of the first hour? Not enough John Stapleton OBE.

6.54am: Hang on, here's the entertainment news. Michael Jackson is still dead.

6.55am: Lord Stapleton wouldn't stand for this.

6.56am: Now Chiles envokes an image of himself masturbating over a picture of Susan Penhaligon as a teenager. It's a convoluted way of introducing a clip of the remake of Bouquet of Barbed Wire.

6.58am: "You love Natalie Imbruglia, don't you?" goades Bleakley. "It's not love, it's lust," replies Chiles, who's now resembling a randy warthog.

6.59am: Ugh, a competition to win 100 grand. The question is "how long is a century?" What a waste of... hang on, I know the answer! Where's my phone?

7.00am: 60 minutes in. All of the Friends return to introduce the news highlights from their respective areas, including the new entertainment correspondent Kate Garraway, who looks a bit uncomfortable teasing something about Katy Perry. (She's big with that music, you know.)

7.01am: The weather girl is back on the sofa to let us know that she'll be revealing the day's weather shortly. I don't like this. Weather girls belong in their predefined space - their "pen", if you will - they shouldn't be allowed to perch on sofas.

7.03am: The sofa gets top marks for being purple, by the way.

7.07am: I miss RI:SE. Anyone with me?

7.08am: "Too many foreign students are being allowed in the country," announces the newsreader. Oooh, getting interesting.

7.09am: Where on Earth is King Stapleton I? He was dragged out of bed at 4am this morning, put on his favourite Stone Grey suit and drove to the Daybreak studio, as excited as a puppy. Yet so far he's been on screen for not more than 30 seconds. A disgrace.

7.11am: Oooooh! Stapleton! Another chance to see his angry report on Farepak from earlier.

7.12am: "We're families that are on low income. There's disabled people, there's pensioners," says the outraged fat lady. But what about the children? For the love of holiness, why won't anyone think about the children?!?

7.14am: This is an extended cut of Stapleton's report from earlier - it's twice in length, this time with a crying woman ("I had to visit the school and tell the mums") and added digs at the Farepak executives.

7.15am: Staples is in the studio to add some words about whether viewers' money is safe. He's smiling now, in recognition of it being after 7am.

7.16am: No sooner is he on our screens than he is taken away again. The real star of the show exits.

7.17am: The Daybreak website is only getting plugs at the tail of the local news, interestingly.

7.18am: "Christine, can you move your legs now please?" asks Chiles, with the merest hint of saliva dropping from his lips. He's off to visit the sports anchor again.

7.20am: "I always watch women's rugby with interest," Chiles informs us.

7.21am: Nice break bumper depicting a boiled-egg-with-soldier. Do people still eat boiled-eggs-with-soldiers nowadays?

7.25am: Following the revelation that Michael Jackson is still dead, confirmation that Elvis is still dead too.

7.26am: Chiles says he's impressed with the size of the studio. "I've worked in some right little... little, shoe cupboards in my time." Wasn't he stuffed in a box in Birmingham with Nadia Sawalha at one point?

7.29am: The weather girl has proper piano fingers.

7.36am: Some children from Darlington are complaining about water leaks at their school. "It's so wet you can't be bothered to do P.E.," says one apathetic teen.

7.38am: Phil Reay-Smith is still up in Reading, talking to people who have overpaid and underpaid taxes. He's standing in front of the Bagel Factory, which makes sense - is that cream cheese and salmon I see on your blazer? Shame on you Phil.

7.40am: Phil has refined his closing line from earlier. It's now: "There are two things you can rely on in life - death and taxes. Well, it seems that taxes aren't that reliable after all." Perfection.

7.42am: It's Hillary Jones! Has this man aged in 20 years?

7.43am: People are giving birth in Scotland. Stop this at once.

7.45am: After the break: Something Cool Before The Kids Go To School.

7.50am: ... which is an expensive pedal car. Enter a random child, who's been renamed Mini Driver (see what they did there?), to roadtest it.

7.52am: That item was certainly Cool. If I had kids I'm sure they'd be heading to school fulfilled now.

7.54am: Kate Garraway is here to talk about Katy Perry. "Hello by the way," she says, interrupting Chiles. "We're so glad you're here!" enthuses Bleakley.

7.55am: Kate, whose inappropriate outfit draws attention to her breasts, accuses Chiles of being "sarky" for asking whether she enjoys the showbiz news.

7.57am: Kate wants Kelly Brook to wear lycra so we can see her legs. Put your breasts away, Kate.

7.58am: "Anyway, enough of this," says Chiles, crossing to the weather. Sensitively handled there, old chap.

8.09am: Apologies for the break in updates. I've just boiled myself an egg. "Too many foreign students are being allowed in the country," reiterates the newsreader. Give this woman her own show.

8.10am: Lorraine 'did you see my growler?' Kelly teases her show from her new studio. Something about knitting patterns.

8.12am: It's been an hour since we saw John Stapleton. Right about now he's probably being driven home crying into a copy of Tony Blair's autobiography.

8.17am: Staples is back! No, no... it's a talking dog in the Weetabix advert. Uncanny though.

8.18am: Here's the former Prime Minister now, appearing for his first live UK TV interview. "She's the one with emotional intelligence and I'm the one with no hair," begins Chiles, before asking Blair whether he's "kicking Gordon Brown while he's down".

8.19am: Blair avoids the question, so Bleakley tries a different tac: "Can you imagine yourself going for a drink with him any time soon?"

8.21am: Chiles questions why Blair is doing book signings. Blair doesn't know either. "There are better things for the police to do," he says.

8.24am: Daybreak's large wall clock is one minute faster than the on-screen clock. Just saying.

8.27am: "It's been an eventful morning for us, but it could be for you too if you enter our competition," says Chiles. SMOOTH.

8.28am: The fun has been sucked out of these competitions. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Personally I loved seeing Alison Hammond in a skimpy cossie and leering at waiters on a tropical island.

8.29am: Chiles and Bleakley sign off with a "best bits" highlights segment of the last two-and-a-half hours. They left out the "anyway, enough of this" comment.

8.31am: By popular demand, we'll be live blogging the first ever Lorraine as well. Right after these adverts for shampoo, diet pills and tampons.

8.34am: Lorraine titles sequence: our heroine is meeting up with the girls for a coffee and a gossip.

8.35am: "It's a really good lineup and I'm really looking forward to it," declares Lorraine, as James Tanner chops an onion enthusiastically.

8.37am: First guest Gemma Arterton talks about her new film, in which she plays a girl with a big nose. That's probably an oversimplification.

8.40am: "Good", "great" and "amazing" are the most common words in Lorraine's vocabulary. I think we need to find her some more interesting synonyms, people. How about "prodigious"? "Ooooh James, the smell of your wee Toulouse sausage is prodigious."

8.43am: Some hacks review the top showbiz stories of the day. Lorraine gossips about Wayne Rooney. "If it is true, he's a bit of a rat."

8.44am: "I can't bear the arrogance of people like that who think they're going to get away with it," rants Lorraine, shaking her head. Go on love, slam the table. Get animated. This is the kind of thing you couldn't do on GMTV With Lorraine but now it's Lorraine, no holds barred.

8.47am: Discussion has moved on to being addicted to junk food. Lorraine mocks fat Americans with an impression: "It's not my fault, I can't get out of bed, I'm so fat." See? No holds barred. Coming up after the break, Lorraine defecates on an illegal immigrant.

8.56am: Craig Doyle is being sympathetic towards homeless women. The segment is inappropriately called 'Lorraine Investigates'. Whenever there's credit to be taken, Lorraine's there to take it.

9.00am: Next up, it's Lorraine's News.

9.02am: Another plug for the Daybreak competition. To recap, the question is "How long is a century?" No point calling in folks, I've already got this one in the bag.

9.03am: Lorraine is "starving" so James Tanner is here to cook her the perfect 9am dish: ginger-marinated lamb.

9.12am: After singlehandedly defeating the war on terrorism and cooking herself a wee bit of lamb, Lorraine sits down for a chat with actress Sarah Parish. But not before ANOTHER plug for this competition.

9.18am: Lorraine's talking about Wayne Rooney again. Quick James, hide the fine china!

9.19am: That's the end of the first Lorraine and with it, this blog. I hope you've enjoyed these ramblings. I'm off now to find me some lamb and a homeless.