'The X Factor' Show 1 recap - 'It was like karaoke night in Romford'

There's only one thing you can guarantee in week one of The X Factor Live Shows and that's an utterly nondescript theme. The Final 16 tackled songs from the 'UK & US' songbook, which basically meant anything goes apart from ABBA and Kylie Minogue.

We had the 'NeXt Generation' (that capital X is vital) of judges making their debut and all of them left their mark on show one.



Gary Barlow, who dressed in tweed on Saturday night and as a Downton Abbey butler on Sunday, may have been dressing to get into character as he shot down poor 2 Shoes ("It was like karaoke night in Romford") and soldier Jonjo Kerr ("You stuck out like a sore thumb"). Lord Barlow Esquire didn't want any duffers mucking around on his lawn.

Tulisa of N-Dubz fame spoke a lot about the acts' "energy", the way they showed their "energy" and how much "energy" they all had. Meanwhile, Kelly Rowland brought her own brand of "momma"-speak to the show, revealing to the UK that the secret of being a great popstar is the ability to "put it down".

Janet, Misha and The Risk "put it down". Amelia Lily, who was eliminated by Rowland as part of this week's quadruple elimination, clearly needs to work on her "putting it down". Don't worry, we've already posted the Teeside teen a mug, so she can get some practice in before Christmas.

Louis Walsh, rather worryingly, is our figure of calm amid a storm of changes. Like the drunk uncle who refuses to leave the dancefloor at a wedding, Lu-Lu is clinging on for dear life and has an even weirder selection of acts than normal to ensure he's pushed out of the limelight by his new co-stars.



Highlights from Louis's acts included Johnny Robinson, dressed as a camp Buck Rodgers villain warbling through a Cher cover, and Sami Brookes (Michelle McManus meets Sonia from EastEnders) belting out a perfect vocal, while Louis wriggled awkwardly in his chair and attempted to Tipp-Ex out the words "Goldie Cheung" from all his notes.

Walsh kicked out soldier Jonjo after a stilted run through The Kinks' 'You Really Got Me', which looked more uncomfortable for the Brummie singer than any work in the deserts of Afghanistan. The departure of a thoroughly nice chap, who has served king and country, added extra spice to the Kitty Brucknell pantomime.

Brucknell, who can expect to be blamed for everything from the banking crisis to the problematic trial of Amanda Knox come the end of her time on The X Factor, thoroughly disappointed everyone at home and the judges by being far too bloody good.

Not even lashings of eye make-up and a tirade of tabloid press tittle tattle could disguise the fact that she delivered one of the best vocal performances of the night on Saturday. And all of this despite being tasked with the utterly pompous Queen number 'Who Wants To Live Forever'.



The Groups defied all expectations by being not that bad. Gary Barlow delivered the ultimate back-handed compliment by declaring Rhythmix the "best girl band that has ever been on the show". Kandy Rain and Bad Lashes were no doubt sat at home crying into their bowls of Doritos.

2 Shoes were given the elbow by Tulisa after they properly cocked up a Girls Aloud cover by actually singing it live, something Cheryl Cole and co usually avoid at all costs.

The Risk are easily winning in the boyband battle with All Saints mannequins Nu Vibe, who resorted to flashing their chests at girls on the front row to win some screams. We can probably expect Kitty to lollop out a boob next Saturday in retaliation to this obvious attention-seeking tactic.

Barlow's Boys were probably the biggest let-down of the evening. A slimmed down Craig Colton gave the best vocal, but moulded together a Flock of Seagulls haircut, Ricky Gervais-esqe gurning and a having-a-stroke facial twitch that looks set to be the new Danyl Johnson mic-toss.

Marcus Collins was lumbered with Maroon 5's 'Moves Like Jagger' and a giant bow-tie, but held his own. Barlow's teacher's pet Frankie Cocozza fared less well, wheezing his way through 'The A Team' with his trousers halfway down his legs, like an asthmatic Pete Doherty. Kelly Rowland claimed that he "exuded star quality and artistry". We think she means he has cute hair and dimples.



James Michael was the unlucky lad hung out to dry by Barlow after bumbling his way through a weird cover of The Beatles 'Ticket To Ride'. His Take That mentor seemed determined to turn him into a London Underground busker, handing him an acoustic guitar, some dowdy clothes and a grim backdrop, and then ditched him for that very reason the following evening.

The biggest controversy of the weekend, however, came from Team Kelly and the Girls. Amelia Lily, a bookmakers' favourite, was culled to cause the first round of outrage and Ofcom complaints of the series.

Rowland opted to save super-sweet, shoe-hating, Northern Irish, hiccupper Janet Devlin, probable series winner Misha Bryan and Sophie Habibis, who until Saturday appeared to solely have been selected because Peter Dickson enjoyed bellowing her name.



Amelia, 2 Shoes, Jonjo and James can of course console themselves with the fact that an early exit isn't always the worst thing in the world. Standing backstage watching Matt Cardle's return to the X Factor stage, they must have realised that all was not lost.

As Cardle bumbled his way through an off-cut that Lord Barlow Esq had picked up and dusted off from the Take That recording-room floor, with even a backing band who looked like they'd rather be doing their weekly Asda shop, their tears probably wiped away a little more easily. The X Factor really isn't all about the winning.

The X Factor continues next Saturday at 7.45pm on ITV1.