Live Blog: 'Strictly' Week One - Friday

Ann Widdecombe's stocked up on her bagels, Bruce has been putting the finishing touches to his dodgy one-liners and there's been enough Fake Bake sprayed around the BBC Studios to keep Alex Reid and Katie Price looking Ronsealed until Christmas. It can only mean one thing, Strictly Come Dancing is back, back, back! Stick with Reality Bites during the evening as we bring you all the best commentary from the Television Centre ballroom.

21:00: So here we are, the new series of Strictly starts right now. Bruce is here. Tess has got a short skirt on and Debbie McGee is in the audience. Put down your bagels, it's time to start dancing.

21:05: Dad's watching, please calm yourselves. Ola Jordan is wearing her usual pink string/thong combo, but thankfully she is partnered by Paul Daniels this year, so it will be completely impossible to get turned on by her.

21:07: Ann Widdecombe also managed to make it down the stairs without a hitch, which is pretty much all we can hope for at this stage. A round of applause for Ann everybody. Take that Arlene!

21:09: First couple of the night are the thinking man's crumpet Felicity Kendal, who has come dressed as a giant lemon for the evening, and titchy sexpot Italian pocket rocket Vincent Simone.

21:12: A cracking start from the delightful Felicity Kendal. The Good Life girl-next-door has turned into a "sex kitten" and Bruno reckons there's plenty of potential with her. Alesha is gushing in praise and Len is also pleased with the performance, but wants to see a bit more of Felicity's hips. Don't we all Len, don't we all?!

21:13: A score of 23 for Felicity with 7s from Bruno and Alesha. A great start to the series for the veteran thespian.

21:16: Next up is Scott Maslen and Natalie Lowe. Natalie wants to win (well, she is Australian) after coming up short with Ricky Whittle last year. Scott just doesn't want to fluff his lines like he did in the EastEnders live episode earlier this year. And the question on our lips? Will we get to the bottom of the "testicle fake tan mishap"?

21:20: Natalie Lowe knows how to pick them! Like Ricky Whittle, Scott Maslen looks like he might be a better dancer than he is an actor. "Dangerously sexual" is Craig's verdict on one of the raunchiest waltzes you are ever likely to see. Len's checking his blood pressure afterwards and I suspect the tabloids will be looking into Lowe and Maslen's late night training sessions from now on. Maslen scored 29, which is pretty massive for an opening show.

21:24: Third pairing of the night are Goldie and Kristina Rihanoff (in a bikini top and very, very, very short skirt). Can Goldie finally provide the raunchy Russian pro a decent chance at the title? Well, he can't be any worse than Calzaghe and Sergeant, can he? Can he...? Please, let's hope not.

21:26 10 years ago, who'd have guessed that jungle DJ Goldie would be dancing a disco-themed cha cha cha on primetime BBC One? Incredibly surreal stuff. It's a pretty ropey routine, but the gold-teethed DJ shows (very brief) glimpses of dancing skill and the smallest inkling of rhythm. Kristina has something to work with. Not much, but something. They score 20 and are bottom of the leaderboard at the moment.

21:29: Patsy Kensit is up next and she looks absolutely terrified. She tells us she's absolutely terrified. Pro Robin Windsor is worried about her being absolutely terrified. This could all go horribly wrong.

21:33: Patsy looks petrified, Craig thinks her bottom was sticking out too much, but the Holby City star just about got through it. There was a few bumps and mishaps, but the word "journey" is likely to be used for Patsy very soon. Len and Alesha give her plenty of kind words, but it's going to take more than that if she's going to go far in this contest. You'd think after four rock 'n' roll marriages she'd be up for anything, but ballroom dancing is really intimidating the actress.

21:37: My girlfriend has given her backing to Patsy Kensit, so don't be surprised to see her making the later stages of the competition. Her picks always do far better than mine. I thought Rav Wilding would win last year... enough said. She scores 22 and nudges ahead of Goldie.

21:40: The next cha cha cha comes from bookies' hot favourite Matt Baker and Aliona Vilani. Those bookies know a thing or two don't they? Matt "has great hips for a straight man", points out my girlfriend. They perform a Countryfile-themed routine, where Aliona dons some sexy wellington boots and a tiny silver costume. It's all a bit saucy, but mightily impressive for week one. Matt ticks all the boxes for a Strictly winner. Get your money on him now!

21:44: It's a score of 31 for Matt and Aliona as they storm to the top of the leaderboard. There's nobody going home this week, but it's safe to say that regardless of that, Mr Baker is here for the long run. Next up... Pamela Stephenson and James Jordan.

21:47: "Dreamy" and a "fantastic first impression" is how the judges describe Pamela's first waltz of the series. She's definitely a dark horse in this competition. If James Jordan can give the "bad boy" act a rest, she could go far. Especially if she keeps playing the Billy Connolly card heavily. Let's be honest, everyone loves a bit of Billy.

21:49: It's a whopping 31 points for Pamela and she joins Matt Baker at the top of the tree. A superb start to the series for the Mrs Billy Connolly.

21:53: And the final act of the night is Paul Daniels. Will we like it? Not a lot! (Sorry, that is the only time we'll use that gag during the series, we promise). Paul sings along to Take That as he bobbles around the stage like a pensioner racing to get the last bus home. He magics little Ola out of a box, but even though she doesn't appear to be wearing any underwear and there's more cleavage on show than an Ultimo ad campaign, she can't save the TV magician from a catastrophic performance. He looks like he'll be battling Quentin Wilson and Fiona Phillips as one of the worst dancers in the show's history, but at least he has age as an excuse. And to be fair to the old-timer, he did at least look like he was trying his heart out up there.

21:59: Paul Daniels slips to bottom of the leaderboard with a score of 16. His best move of the night comes in a verbal sparring with the judges where he mocks Craig Revel Horwood's latest work as a sausage campaigner. Touché!

22:00: So that's it for the first show. Who's your favourite? Who did you hate? What do you think was the best outfit? Personally I enjoyed Aliona's sexy welly number. I think that's going to be big this autumn! Leave your views on the show in the box below! And make sure you come back to Reality Bites tomorrow night, when we'll be back from 6pm with all the action live.

Give us your opinions on the first Strictly live show by posting in the box below