Rule One - Every time you see a person who would classify themselves as "wacky" or "bubbly" (i.e. dressed in a silly hat) in the backstage area, down a shot.
Rule Two - Have another shot every time the audience turn into a baying mob, screaming "off! off! off!" as if they want Cowell, Morgan and Holden to violently do away with the contestants.
Rule Three - For each performing animal, crap magician, doddery old man, unicyclist, balloon animal artist or senile pensioner, have a couple of fingers of beer.
Rule Four - Crack into the vodka any time that Amanda Holden says that the "hairs on the back of my neck are standing up", she starts weeping, or she starts blubbering with platitudes.
Rule Five - Down a pint at any point the judges/audience start to applaud an ugly person or young child for being able to sing/dance/crack jokes at a sub-standard level.
Rule Six - Each time Simon Cowell reels off a speech about the state of "broken Britain" and about how the BGT contestants are a shining example of what "this country does best", have a few doubles.
Rule Seven - If there is a sudden change in the montage music to something unbelievably crass and saccharine (R. Kelly's 'I Believe I Can Fly, Enrique Inglesias's 'Hero', anything by Mariah Carey), down a pint.
Rule Eight - Each time you question Piers Morgan's credentials as a judge of comedy, music, magic and dancing, help yourself to a double and mixer.
Rule Nine - When Simon Cowell gives a contestant a wink as they leave the stage, help yourself to the whiskey. If he adds that they could go a "long way in this competition" (i.e. "you could make me a lot of money") have a second swig.
Rule Ten - If at any point you wonder if the show would be better with a fourth judge or spot a glimpse of Kelly Brook accidentally left in the edit, finish all the rest of your drinks.
This feature is intended to entertain only. Digital Spy does not advocate binge drinking.