22:00: Anyway, that's us done for the evening! I like the show more tonight than yesterday. A lot more daft and in the spirit of the best BGT. Could do with a bit more talent, but hey, what are you going to do about it? We'll be back, same time, same place, tomorrow.
21:58: Karen & David vow that one day a magic act will success on BGT. Do you think they will? I'm not convinced. A boyband, a token mad act, a kid singer and a piano player are the final so far. Same old, same old.
21:54: Has the world gone mad. Yes it has. Jean is through. We love her, but seriously? Looking forward to seeing her again and she's great fun, but poor old David & Karen.
21:52: The winner is... obviously.... NEW BOUNCE. It's between Jean and Karen & David for the second spot in the final. Crikey. Jean. Really? It has to be Karen & David... doesn't it?
21:51: RESULTS TIME. Enchantment are going home. Up & Over It are going home. Lorna Bliss is going home. Herbie is probably going in a home. The final act definitely going home is Two & A Half Men.
21:49: Fair play to Amanda Holden. At least she sang live. Take note Cheryl Cole when you're on X Factor this year. Oh... wait a minute.
21:45: A perfect fit for this barmy show. Richard Blackwood dressed as a donkey. Amanda Holden belting out 'I'm A Believer'. A giant green ogre singing the hits. Don't try and tell me that the person who came up with this idea wasn't on drugs.
21:41: Just when you think things can't get any madder - tonight's special guests are Amanda Holden and the cast of Shrek. An expensive booking. A perfect opportunity for the following gag: "A good performance from the ogre. Not sure about the guy playing Shrek though." Shameless, I know. Shameless.
21.38: Seriously, could Jean be going through? There's a lot of love for her out there on the Twittersphere. At this stage, I'm not sure if she's even playing the organ. Can anyone confirm this? Or are we just applauding her head-bobbing?
21:35 Spoke to my dad in the break between the shows. He's backing Jean, I think. His response to Lorna Bliss. "What was the girl all about? She was bloody awful son."
21:31: I've stuffed my face with cake. I've watched Corrie for the first time in months and I'm utterly baffled. And now, most importantly, we're back for the BGT results.
20:53: Time to start voting guys. It looks like New Bounce are a sure bet for first place. Second and third are anyone's game though. Karen & David probably. I'd like Up & Over It, but I fear for their chances after a Cowell mauling. What about Jean? Crikey, maybe she'll do it. Jesus, after all of that, Willy Wonka and his mad zoo of tricks don't look too bad either. Anyway, we'll see you back here at 9.30!
20:49: The sneaky gits. They've used the table slapping to slip into some tap dancing. Sneaky tap dancers. It's all pretty cool, but slightly repetitive. There's a good act trying to get out there, but it needs some polishing. Simon Cowell pretty much kills off their chances though, laying into them as dull and doing some of his own hand slapping on the judges' desk. He slags off his fellow judges for not putting better dance acts through. It all gets a bit awkward for everyone concerned. A shame, because Up & Over It seem like lovely chaps. Their YouTube video entry is genius, so check it out.
20:38: It's very similar to their first audition, but it still works. They manage to switch places behind a curtain in a split second when one of them is locked in a box. Clever. It's probably done with mirrors. It's always mirrors. And... the moment of truth. Cowell likes it as well. He slips into Carry On Cowell mode with a "you look great wet" oo-er matron line for Karen.
20:33: Two more acts to go. Which probably means about four more ad breaks. Do ITV execs have serious bladder issues?
20:27: Jean Martyn. A woman who the phrase "mad as a box of frogs" was designed for. She's very funny and all of that, but I bet you wouldn't sit next to her on the bus. Her head-bobbing, face-scrunching, bum-wiggling boogie woogie gets four thumbs up from the panel. The crowd start chanting 'we love Jean'. Jesus, she could actually be in the final at this rate.
20:20: Simon Cowell describes them as the "one to beat" after a Jessie J cover, which to be fair, was watchable. Cowell has pound signs flashing his eyes after that performance. One Direction better watch their backs, Mr C has eyes on another boyband.
20:15: Lorna got an essential part of a Britney Spears impression wrong as well. She sang live. Come on Lorna, call yourself a fan? We all know Britney never sings live.
20:12: So the judges do a U-turn on three buzzes and three nos for a pathetic Britney Spears act. She comes back and does exactly the same thing and they're still not happy. I wonder why. Of course there's a chance for Cowell to make a "limp snake" gag and we get to see a girl in a bikini. That made it all worthwhile.
20:02: Herbie sounds like a man dying on stage. It's not that he's awful, it just sounds like he's literally dying. Croaking and spluttering his way through a cheese-fest of 'Mandy'. Cowell wheels out his favourite X Factor cliches and is in his element. "It was all a bit karaoke".
19:51: What the heckers was that all about? A Willy Wonka-esque man singing opera. It's like Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats viewed through the eyes of a LCD trip. People in zebra suits. I like the zebra suit. They get two buzzes from Holden and Cowell. Cowell attempts a reasoned debate with a man in a giant purple top hat. It's hilarious stuff. Highlight of the series so far for me. Dreadful act though.
19:41: The Hoff and Cowell are not convinced TAAHM are good enough for the final. Amanda Holden explains the group's name to Cowell - 'They are two and a half men Simon, you can't give them backing dancers.' Go ruin their gag why don't you Amanda! Michael McIntyre jokes that the stage looks like Cowell's living room because the trio chucked cash on the floor. What McIntyre doesn't realise is that Cowell also keeps two and a half men and Ant & Dec locked in his living room. So that statement is actually very accurate.
19:37: Michael McIntyre continues to stumble and bumble his way through these live shows. Come on Michael, pull yourself together. Amanda and Simon keep up their "cheeky flirting act". That one never gets boring.
19:34: We meet the judges. The Hoff has done a few more buttons on his shirt tonight, although his face is still as rigid. He's a lion of a man and we'd love a Hoff cuddle.
19:32: ITV are billing Britney lookalike and rude dancer Lorna Bliss as a "surprise addition" to the lineup. I think that translates as "an act who we wanted to keep secret because it undermines the whole show". She got three buzzes and three no votes you know. Ridiculous.
19:30: A quick recap from last night's show. Whizz. Bang. Shouting Ant & Dec. Whoosh. Simon Cowell. Hoff's face. Zoom! Etc, etc.
19:27: Evening all! It's Tuesday, it's Britain's Got Talent semi-final night and we're pumped and ready for action. Who are you all excited about watching this evening?
> Britain's Got Talent Semi-Final 2: The Lineup
> Britain's Got Talent Semi-Final 1: Live Blog