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'The Apprentice' series nine, episode one: In quotes

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The Apprentice 2013: Zeeshaan Shah

© BBC / Boundless

The Apprentice 2013: Zeeshaan Shah


"I'm a great of my generation. I take inspiration from Napoleon."

Lord Sugar will be humming 'Waterloo' and waving his dreaded firing finger at Zeeshaan very soon.

The Apprentice 2013: Jaz Ampaw-Farr

© BBC / Boundless

The Apprentice 2013: Jaz Ampaw-Farr


"I'm half machine. I can process things at a speed that is out of this world."

Jaz must have been malfunctioning. She couldn't event flog a Chinese cat in Chinatown.

The Apprentice 2013: Jason Leech

© BBC / Boundless

The Apprentice 2013: Jason Leech


"Some people may come to this process with a gameplan. I just feel my effortless superiority will take me all the way."

Bumbling Greek philosopher Jason believed he had "intelligence like a machete in the jungle". Two hours later he was "running like hell" to sell some ukuleles.

The Apprentice 2013: Luisa Zissman

© BBC / Boundless

The Apprentice 2013: Luisa Zissman


"I have the energy of a Duracell bunny, the looks of Jessica Rabbit and the brains of Einstein..."

And the gob of a fishwife.

Luisa "fake hair, fake nails, fake boobs" Zissman showcased all her talents and her elegant way ("I'll be on her like a fly on s**t") with words.

The Apprentice 2013: Neil Clough

© BBC / Boundless

The Apprentice 2013: Neil Clough


"Cheating... manipulating... I will do it."

Neil Clough. Not so much stabbing people in the back as jumping on them, hitting them repeatedly with a large stick and chopping their heads off.

The Apprentice 2013: Lord Sugar, Nick Hewer and Karren Brady

© BBC / Boundless

Lord Sugar, Nick Hewer and Karren Brady


"I hear we've got a doctor in the house. Could come in handy. I hear we've got a bloke over there who thinks he's Napoleon."

Even Nick Hewer nearly cracked a smile at that one-liner from Shugs.

The female candidates in series nine of 'The Apprentice'.

© BBC / Boundless

The female candidates of 'The Apprentice'.


"I just think we're flogging a dead horse."

A member of the girls' team displays why they were unable to sell any lucky Chinese cats.

The Apprentice 2013:  Lord Alan Sugar

© BBC / Boundless

The Apprentice 2013: Lord Alan Sugar


"The first rule of trade. Make sure you're not dealing with the cleaning lady."

Lord Sugar bangs the nail into Jaz's coffin after hearing about their chaotic sales methods.

The Apprentice 2013: Alex Mills

© BBC / Boundless

The Apprentice 2013: Alex Mills

The Apprentice 2013: Neil Clough

© BBC / Boundless

The Apprentice 2013: Neil Clough


Alex: "I've worked with Liam all day."
Lord Sugar: "Sorry. Who have you worked with?"
Alex: "Liam."
Lord Sugar: "His name's Neil."

*Shakes head*

What was your favourite Apprentice moment from episode one? Let us know below!

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