'Apprentice' recap: 'Amsterdam, maybe...'

Lord Sugar has made it very clear. Or should we say, very BLAARDY clear! He doesn't want any Steady Eddies or Cautious Carols on this year's Apprentice. Unfortunately, the latest firee Paloma Vivanco took the millionaire's words a step too far and portrayed the roles of Gobby Gabby, Arrogant Ann and Very-Flipping-Annoying Vera during this week's retail challenge. To be fair, Vivanco has been playing the part of the business bitch since week one, swaggering around like cock of the walk with a permanent snoot nose and curled lip sneer for her rivals. However, until now, she's either been lucky or managed to find some weak prey like Dr Shibby to offer to Lord Sugar as a peace offering.



Forced into the role of Project Manager this week, there was no longer anywhere to hide for Paloma and she finally got her just rewards for five weeks of withering eyebrow raises and snarled condescending put-downs. The 29-year-old always reminded me of a James Bond femme fatale, luring her victims in with her vixen-like charms and able to send men weak at the knees with a single pout. But in the end, she would always reveal her true colours and gladly drown her enemies in a swimming pool of piranhas, or failing that, hang them out to dry in the boardroom.

After leading the losing team, Paloma didn't have much room to manoeuvre this week, but she did her finest to fling her best dagger eyes at Alex Epstein. Ah, Alex, a man who Nick Hewer described accurately as "not totally irritating". And that's just about the best compliment you can give to a man who brands himself as a "retail guru". Claiming to know the Trafford Centre like the "back of his hand", he made a royal balls-up by placing his team's promotional area the other side of one of Europe's biggest shopping malls. Alex clearly doesn't look at the back of his hands much. Either that or they are flipping huge.

However, Vivanco's determination to rid Sugar's boardroom of Alex ultimately cost her a spot in the next round of the competition. While Alex may be a buffoon, he's a buffoon who makes great telly and Lord Sugar wants to be the one who decides when we've seen enough of him wandering around the streets of Britain, awkwardly attempting to sell wares, like a lost boy in a supermarket. The Retail Guru is like the strange loner you don't want to end up sat next to at a friend's dinner party. Constantly chatty, spouting nerdish facts and slightly unnerving remarks about the world of retail being similar to the art of seduction. "Retailing is about making a hive of honey and getting people to the honeypot." Whatever you say mate, I'm off to find the hummus.



Perhaps the most discouraging part of last night's episode was that we spent the majority of it agreeing with Stuart Baggs - The Brand. Even the man who can make millions from selling yo-yos in the school playground knew that his team were on to a loser with dresses made of ties and recycled suit jackets dressed up as hoodies. The whole show reminded us what a barmy world the business of fashion is and a particular standout was the woman who tried flogging Paloma's team some "cartoon couture" collections. The image that springs to our minds when we hear "cartoon couture" is Baloo from The Jungle Book dressed in a top hat and tails rather than the catwalks of New York and Milan. And that's even before we consider that the person selling it looks like a drunk Su Pollard.



No self-respecting blog could recap this episode, however, without an honourable mention for Nick Hewer. His huffing and puffing, bitter lemon-pouting, cheek-sucking, pen-chewing and one-liner withering had never been more finely tuned than in yesterday evening's episode. His insinuation that Liz and Stella's shop window modelling was similar to tactics used in the red light district ("Amsterdam, maybe... but not Manchester") ranks up with Margaret Mountford's eye ball-rolling, "I think Edinburgh isn't what it used to be", classic from 2008.



Hewer's remarks seemed all the more pertinent as the show continued to persist in teasing the male population with lingering camera shots and angles of this year's female candidates. After last week's Hugh Hefner-esque hot tub moment, where the winning team were thrust into their bikinis and allowed to frolic, this week we got a brief glimpse of Liz Locke's bra and given a prolonged sequence where we watched her squeezing into a short purple number. At this rate, the final challenge will either be based in a nudist camp or involve designing a new Amstrad lingerie range. Let's just hope Stuart Baggs doesn't make it that far.

What did you think to this week's Apprentice episode? Did Lord Sugar make the right decision? Leave your opinions in the box below