'The Apprentice': Series seven preview

"You're blaaady fired!" "You're blaaady useless!" "Get out of my boardroom now!" "You're blaaady, blaaady, blaaady fired!" Just in time to save us from the madness of TOWIE and Geordie Shore, the coolest reality show on the box, The Apprentice, is back. Restored to its usual spring timeslot, Lord Sugar is back and in a fiery mood ahead of the seventh series. Reality Bites was given a treat yesterday and got to watch episode one in full and we're giving you a cast iron guarantee that the show's as hilarious and gob-smacking as normal. Here are five reasons to make sure you tune in tonight:

Vincent the Spiv
In previous years, we've had Apprentice love affairs with Raef Bjayou, James McQuillan and Stuart Baggs 'The Brand'. A new and immediate entry into our Boardroom of Fame is Vincent Disneur. We don't want to spoil too much, but Vincent is a ladies' man and he wears cracking socks. A dashing spiv, part-Mickey Pearce from Only Fools, part-George Lamb, part-comic book dandy, Vincent has the gift of the gab and is our pick of the Class of 2011.

The Villains
What would The Apprentice be without a villain or two? Or three? From the slippery Katie Hopkins to Michael "Kosher" Sophocles to big-head Ben Clarke, every series has a no-good-piece-of-work, who will stab anyone in the back to get out of the boardroom alive. There are plenty of candidates already competing for this year's villain role with more arrogance and pomposity than a Bullingdon Club dinner. We suspect Edna Agbarha ("weak people in business are a waste of space"), Melodu Hossaini [pictured left] ("Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon") and wheeler dealer Edward Hunter are the most likely candidates to get our backs up.

Candidates running around Covent Garden flogging crap
The Apprentice wouldn't be The Apprentice without ludicrous tasks that involve posh people running around bustling Central London in badly fitted suits attempting to flog scrag ends of cheese, animal entrails and their own underpants for a few spare coppers. Episode one ticks all the right boxes as the girls' and boys' teams are sent out to buy £250 of mouldy old fruit and veg and flog it for the highest price.

Lord Sugar's one-liners
The usually super cool Nick Hewer keeps a low profile in episode one so it's left up to the big man Alan Sugar to deliver the knockout blows with his waspish one-liners. His initial boardroom dressing down includes the cutting, "I'm not Saint Alan, the patron saint of bloody losers", but he takes home the grand prize when addressing the girls' team, led by Project Manager Melody Hossaini. "We've heard the Melody, now, let's hear the chorus," he barks. You'll probably be able to hear the collective groan across that nation when that one airs.

The awful team names
Apollo, Ignite, Renaissance, Invicta, Velocity. What do all these words have in common? They've all been team names on The Apprentice. We won't spoil it for you with what corkers they finally decide on this time, but our favourite, which we think they should have gone for is 26-year-old Leeds entrepreneur Leon Doyle's [pictured] suggestion that they name the boys' team after him. His apparently serious proposal. Team Leon-trepeneur. Funnily enough, it's probably better than the usual meaningless management speak titles they plump off in the end.

> Q&A: Lord Alan Sugar ('The Apprentice')
> 'Apprentice' audition videos: The boys
> 'Apprentice' audition videos: The girls
> 'The Apprentice': Our favourite ever contestants
> 'The Apprentice': Episode one preview
> 'Apprentice' reunited: Liz Locke, Dan Harris
> Read our full coverage on 'The Apprentice'

The Apprentice returns tonight at 9pm on BBC One.