But wait a minute, what's this? "My biggest achievement in life would be my GCSE results, I got 11 A*s." Ah, so this isn't the normal Apprentice, where we get to poke fun at buffoons and wallies making the sort of basic business blunders that make Del Boy look like Mark Zuckerberg.
This is the Young Apprentice, where we get to meet a gaggle of precocious teens, who will no doubt morph into future Tory Party leaders, Oxbridge graduates and city bankers. Yes, I said bankers.
Lord Sugar believes that these children are the future. So much so at one point it sounds like he may burst into Whitney Houston's 'The Greatest Love of All'. You can almost hear Nick Hewer humming along to "Teach them well and let them lead the way!".
Sugar proves that he's down and hip with the kids by referencing Angry Birds and stomping his fist about how much time the yoof of today spend on their smartphones. Bring back the 80s when kids spent their days on Amstrads, hey Shugs!
However, after one episode his optimism about this latest batch of nerds and wannabe entrepreneurs is not so strong. They can't even tell the difference between a washing machine and a tumble dryer, so we're not holding out much hope they can turn around the biggest economic crisis in a lifetime.
This year's team names were selected with the usual mixture of surreal logic and cluelessness. The girls ended up with Platinum, while the boys plumped for Odyssey. However, the boys weren't sure on the spelling so may have actually ended up with Od-e-sea.
[Amy Corrigan - Left / Sean Spooner - Right]
Most of episode one focused on the boys' team. That's partly because they were useless. And partly because the girls were so petrifying, the camera crew were no doubt cowering and backing away in fear.
Amy Corrigan spent much of the episode snarling at innocent customers, snaring young men and even managing to put the heebie-jeebies up the usually ice cool Nick Hewer with her sales patter.
Amy would eat the boys' team for breakfast. Nervy fashion designer Patrick McDowell (Liberace + Joe 90 x Lady GaGa = Patrick), Plato-reading nerd Maximilian (yes, people still use that name in parts of Kent) and pint-sized Sean Spooner (who has yet to grow into his monster floppy hair) would have been quivering wrecks left in a room with her.
In the end, despite failing to spot they were trying to wash their clothes in a dryer, it was an easy win for the girls. Wannabe fashion guru Patrick's boys limped over the line in second.
[Patrick McDowell - Left / David Odhiambo -Right]
Patrick - who spent most of the task trying to flog a wet suit he'd combined with a kimono ("What's that for, a cocktail party on the Titanic?") - should have been a goner. But luckily for him he had Maximilian Grodecki and David Odhiambo to hide his incompetence behind in the final boardroom.
David 'I'm economic, I'm philosophical' Odhiambo thought he was the man for all occasions. With his own unique brand of sales technique that he calls "tactical flirtation" (we call it being a bit creepy), he bulldozed his way into Lord Sugar's affections with some decent sales.
[Max Grodecki - Left / Lord Sugar - Right]
Poor old Maximilian was less fortunate. Dressed like a University Challenge contestant from 1982, whose mum had picked his outfit, he was always going to struggle in a fashion challenge. His strengths on the task were folding trousers, folding jumpers and folding shirts. Abercrombie & Fitch watch out.
Sadly, Lord Sugar isn't looking for a teenager who can quote Aristotle or iron out the creases in a pair of 501s. His 11 GSCE A*s were of no use to him in the boardroom, but if he got one in Geography it may have helped him find his way home after he shuffled out of the boardroom with his tail between his legs.
Young Apprentice continues next Thursday at 8pm on BBC One.