- Nanny Pat does The Queen - Who needs the Royal Wedding, when Nanny Pet scrubs up so well with a bit of bling. Attending Harry Derbidge's barmy 17th birthday bash dressed as Her Majesty, Pat remained a figure of quiet dignity among the tans, t*ts and inane banter between the show's young scallywags. If Pat really was in charge of this fine nation, singing the national anthem would become a whole lot more fun. God save our sausage plaits!
- Joey Essex's hair - We've warmed to Joey Essex ever so slightly since our last blog. He's progressed up the Essex food chain thanks to sheer persistence and the fact that Kirk and Mark are managing to make him look like a 1920s gent with their bed-hopping and deviousness. Last night's sequence where Joey and Chloe spent five minutes in the bedroom discussing the difference between a blow-dry and a hairdryer, which featured Joey caressing his locks for the entire scene, was up there with Samuel Beckett's theatre of the absurd. The prolonged silences and mundane existence of the duo is weirdly addictive and utterly appalling in equal measure.
- Reem - Joining vajazzle, ohshatuuuup and jel in the Essex dictionary, we know have the word reem. Invented inside the mysterious empty void that is Joey Essex's brain, we're not entirely clear what the term means, but apparently it's a phrase of endearment. It may seem idiotic right now (and it is), but trust us, you'll all be saying it in a couple of months' time. As Joey Essex so poetically put on his Twitter account today, "Look reem... smell reem... be reem... Reem."
- Kirk vs Maria - In the first series of Essex, Kirk seemed like a harmless enough bloke. In fact, next to Mark Wright, he positively gleamed with decency. But while Mark's bromance with Arg and (relatively) settled relationship with Lauren have shown glimmers of a conscience and heart inside that Fake Bake glowing body, Kirk has slowly slimed his way down in our estimations. His guttural ranting at Maria showcased his ugly side and when Maria called him on his constant plugging of Sugar Hut, he really looked like the fool.
- Harry does GaGa - Harry. In a wig. Dancing to Lady GaGa. Is there anything more we can say? Not since we found ourselves in one of the dance tents at Glastonbury at 4am after a crate of pink cider have we seen anything quite so trippy. When the floppy-haired whippersnapper started thrusting away in his Lycra leotard, we thought someone had spiked our cheesy dippers. A moment of truly obscene television.
What did you think to last night's episode? Was it reem? Leave your opinion in the box below
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