Perfect Ten

I’ve never really understood people’s obsession with making lists. I’ve read Nick Hornby’s “High Fidelity” (a tale about list obsessed record shop owner) several times and still not quite got a handle on it. His “31 songs” made the subject even more perplexing but like a mug I bought it. I’ve still not managed to listen to most of the songs listed, strangely more than thirty one, but I digress.

Why set out a load of “top tens” in the lead up to Big Brother 5? Well really to get you in the mood for the sort of lazy journalism you can expect from Hogan on the House this summer. No stone will remain unturned in my efforts to make this column as simple to write and therefore as frequent as is possible. If you want quality, click through to Emzi, Dianne or Mister Tickle’s offerings. For quantity, come here.

On then to a list of my Top Ten housemates. Not as easy a list to make as you may think. On what criteria can one decide such a thing? My first task was to write down every housemate I could remember off the top of my head and cross off anyone whose name I had struggled to recall. I then removed everyone I really wished I had forgotten and the list was already beginning to become much more manageable.

I then toyed with the idea of reviewing DVD evidence of those left on the list, but cast that idea away. This is my top ten and should reflect my personal preferences, prejudices and warped memories of Big Brothers of yore. There is no logic to this list other than that and if it comes anywhere near to matching your own top ten then frankly, there’s probably something wrong with you.

Another word of warning, if any of the comments here contradict my comments from previous series, so be it. This is not an exercise in continuity and I aggressively assert my rights to completely disagree with myself...

...I think!

Here goes then…

Hogan’s Top Ten Housemates

10. Bubble
Bubble squeezes into the top ten because love him or loathe him, he was entertaining, from the pratfall over the coffee table to the endless stream of hats, this was not a boring guy and his relatively early exit from the house remains a mystery. A Chelsea supporting, uncompromising lad with a heart of gold, his jack the lad exterior singularly failed to mask what a really nice bloke he seemed to be. Seems to have been joined at the hip to the uninspiring Dean whenever popping up on the telly since but in the house he was value for money.

9. Helen
Helenisms swept the nation long before Jade Goody appeared with her “love me love me I’m Thick” routine. You’d think that a dumb blonde persona coupled with Welsh accent would grate slightly over nine weeks wouldn’t you? Well it did a bit but the lady still managed to endear herself to enough of the nation to come second in a keenly fought contest. She seemed genuine, she seemed honest, she seemed vulnerable. Us blokes are just suckers for that.

8. Sunita
Rather than moan for weeks about being in there, Sunita decided she’d had enough and walked. No fuss and probably more fanfare than she’d have liked but she’d gone, with no ridiculous wall scaling or peeing in the bin necessary. Excellent.

7. Spencer
Stuck in a house with a bunch of media wannabees, Spencer was very much himself. This should be an excellent example to any of this year’s intake. He drew the best out of his fellow housemates without really seeming to try, which is a very good property to have in this environment. Uncompromising and always his own man, you sort of get the feeling he would have hated to have won. Top geezer.

6. Caroline O’Shea
The first “star” to emerge from the Big Brother experience. Loud, in yer face and up for having a good time. We had tears, beers and laughter with our Caggy, a woman who didn’t so much wear her heart on her sleeve, more wave it under your head; the type of Brummie bird that makes non-Brummies avoid the Bull Ring like the plague, but she was special in a down to earth way and just right to make a splash in the early days of the show.

5. Jon Tickle
Makes the list for “Hotel California” alone. One of the television moments of 2003. Hats off to you sir.

4. Penny Ellis
She burned so brightly for such a short period of time but remains etched on the memory in a way that other early leavers (Sada? Lynne?) just aren’t. Forget the controversial towel dropping episode, forget the ridiculous but rather entertaining spat with Stuart, this was a daffy, over the top, larger than life person that could have really livened series two. We voted her out of course.

3. PJ Ellis
Another Brummie in my top ten? Unfair Midlands bias from your Solihull based columnist? Probably but Dean didn’t make it in and nor did Alison. PJ just had something about him but the real reason was the heartless way he treated Jade following the famous PJBJ incident. Cruel? Yes. Funny? You betcha.

2. Anna Nolan
What can I say? She made me laugh. Few other housemates often do

1. Nick Bateman
I’m unsure whether it’s safe to call him Nasty Nick so I won’t. His machiavellian skills, which were obviously highlighted by skilful editing had us all hooked. When confronted by his fellow inmates, it was gripping television and Craig Phillips shot from zero to hero in two minutes following his eyeball-to-eyeball face off with the devious one. It’s not really fair that Nick has been totally vilified for doing what everyone should have been doing, that is, playing the game. He was the original anti-hero and the reason the show is probably still on our screens. Love him or loathe him, if your bothered enough to be reading this, the gent has an impact on your life.

Top Ten Bust-ups coming soon .