Army Dreamers

Reality TV could live forever, well for another couple of decades anyway. It is rapidly replacing soaps in our affections. Why? Because as the soaps pile on the episodes, their storylines become increasingly bizarre and unbelievable at one end of the spectrum, boring and repetitive at the other.

Real people behave in surprising but recognisable ways, especially when they reach the point that they forget about the cameras. They may be ordinary Joe?s placed in completely unreal situations but at least there?s grounding in the everyday world and people?s lives can be radically changed, not always for the better.

It?s interesting.

As reality TV continues to confound the critics with appreciative audiences, the once mighty Eastenders and Corrie continue to haemorrhage viewers and those that remain loyal are disillusioned. Watching Leslie Grantham carry on with two women who are both young enough to be his daughter hardly makes for unmissable entertainment. Down Weatherfield way, we are expected to be enthralled as two caricatured fishwives battle it out to win the dubious prize that is Les Battersby. Compared to this, Nadia throwing a strop because she can?t get a ciggy is high drama indeed.

Anyone labouring under the misapprehension that our soaps are untouchable could be in for a shock in the months and years to come. A BBC increasingly under pressure to be more ?public service? and less ?commercial? may not have any qualms at all about canning a soap that is losing popularity. It would be far less effort to install spy cameras in a few real East End boozers and simply show the highlights five nights a week than have tortured script writers agonising over which gravel voiced character will have an affair next. Such a suggestion would have seemed ludicrous and fanciful a mere five years ago. Now, it?s a genuine option.

This is supposed to a Big Brother column though so back to the house of pain, where even the Jungle Cats have realised that Ahmed has been doing himself no favours, as his behaviour during the task was reprehensible in my opinion. If I?ve upset any Ahmed fans by saying that, tough. ?I have a right? to say it.

Jason has been slightly less unbearable as a sergeant than I thought he would be while still managing to rub many housemates, and viewers for that matter, up the wrong way. I genuinely think there were times when he was making an effort not to be a bully but he can?t seem to help it. It?s in his nature.

Much as I dislike Michelle, I have genuinely felt for her this week. It?s been evident throughout that popularity within the group is important to her and she is one of the few people in the group who would genuinely struggle with being forced to stab their housemates in the back, Stu and Shell being the others. In fact, my dislike of the woman seems increasingly irrational. Maybe it?s those eyes?

The nastier, more honest, bitchier and more outspoken Daniel gets, the more I like him. The more he does this though, the more he lessens his chances of winning as it would seem that we like our Big Brother winners (with the exception of Brian Dowling) to behave as blandly and inoffensively as possible. When it comes to being bland and inoffensive, only Stu seems to be managing it on a regular basis. Hordes of teenage girls will rapidly run out of credit on their mobiles and develop texter?s thumb in a possibly successful bid to wing Michelle?s trophy boyfriend to victory when we finally get to decide who wins.

The fact that six people are facing this week?s eviction vote means that you have to be negative in your choice of candidate. In a two or even three horse race it?s possible to vote someone out merely to keep your favourite in. Not this time. You must vote for your least favoured housemate and that means Ahmed should be a dead cert to go.

Let?s look a the runners & riders:

Ahmed: Don?t blame the editing for making Ahmed look bad during the task. His behaviour seemed even worse on the live footage. His pig-headedness, rudeness and plain stupidity may infuriate the housemates but have been a great source of entertainment, bringing out the best in Dan and Michelle and causing no end of confusion for the Jungle Cats as they tried in vain to regain control of their chief pawn. Fun as Ah-mania?s been though, it must have run it?s course by now. Time to call it to a close.

Nadia: Lack of nicotine seems to bring all her other insecurities to the surface. She?s doing herself no favours by going off on one at Jason at the slightest hint of provocation. (Don?t be fooled by Mr. Cowen, he knows exactly which buttons to subtly press to provoke that reaction.) Nadia?s been much more bearable since Camp Dr. Evil left so it would be a shame if she let things get on top of her now. It seems that the mere threat of being deprived of nicotine turns her into a ranting psychopath. Scary.

Daniel: Let?s face it; he?s not going anywhere.

Shell: I wondered in my first impressions if she would turn out to be an ?evil scheming manipulator? and I?m still wondering, seven weeks later. There have been a few cracks in that nicey-nicey veneer and a war with the Jungle Cats is definitely on the cards. We?ve yet to see the best (or worst) of Miss. Jubin.

Stuart: You have to feel a bit sorry for Michelle. Sometimes he looks at her as though he really cares and at others like he?s absolutely terrified. How?s a girl supposed to know where she stands. The terror is understandable though. Would you want to bump into her on a dark night?

Victor: Poor Victor, he plots and he plans and keeps being outmanoeuvred by Big Brother. He seems to be suffering from the same syndrome that affected Jonny in series three. If only he?d stop worrying about the game and the cameras and allowed his true self to show, many more people would take to him.

If Ahmed does go, it could be car crash television. His crowd reaction is highly unlikely to be positive and he isn?t actually hiding his light under a bushel where his own emotions are concerned. All this will put a tremendous amount of pressure on Davina. Let?s hope she deals with it with more professionalism than was evident last week.


I know that as I?m writing a column dedicated to all things BB, I really should watch Efourum, but quite frankly I can?t take anymore. Russell Brand?s pitiful attempts at humour are the most embarrassing to watch since the days of Sky Star Search. Sorry readers but I?ve been forced to abandon viewing the show as the cringe factor is off the radar.


More on Saturday.