TV
Warning: This article contains language and/or sexual references that younger readers are advised to avoid.
Prepare to hand over your life, freedom and any remaining sanity for the next thirteen weeks - Big Brother is back.
20.59: ... and like a leech draining blood from its unsuspecting victim, so is DS:BB. Welcome to the start of our round-the-clock coverage of Big Brother 7. Over the next hour we'll meet the fourteen - yes, fourteen - housemates for the first time and watch as they enter their new abode.
21.00: "Viewers, you have fifteen seconds goodbye to the summer," says Davina. "Big Brother is coming to get you." A witty introduction launches the show.
21.01: Another nice touch - brief highlights of the past six years of BB to reinforce that it is the big daddy of reality shows. Keep in mind when you watch tonight's show - and meet the housemates - that BB is laying the ground for a battle with ITV's Love Island.
21.03: Davina takes us on a tour through the "inside out" house, complete with new garden bridge, a barbie and an underwater cam in the pool.
21.05: Davina rolls around on the new bed and gives R1 DJ Chris Moyles a namecheck. She also teaches us how to use the urinals.
21.07: Even more ways to influence the housemates: BB producers can now change the colour of the lighted living room walls at the push of the button.
21.08: "It's so camp," Davina declares as she plonks her posterior on the swish, gold-coloured diary room chair. But enough with that - housemates are upcoming...
21.13: ... the first of whom is Bonnie, who has stolen the voice of Science. "I'll bring my sexy ass down here," she declares, before inviting everyone to participate in a "wank-off competition". Predictably, she is booed on her way in, which seems to amuse Davina. Heartless.
21.15: A few gasps are all we get from Bonnie when she enters the house and paces around nervously. Is she not aware that she has a duty to converse with herself, as the first one in?
21.17: Next in is the E4 censor's dream, Pete, who has Tourette's. "People with Tourette's can learn from me," he stutters, which draws laughs from the crowd. "Wankers." Enthusiastically exiting his car, he poses for the paps and shakes the hands of virtually everyone in the crowd before finally entering the house.
21.20: "Honey, I'm home," he declares to a bemused Bonnie before ticking maniacally. "What have you been taking?" she enquires.
21.21: Next is George, a self-confessed posh lad who survives on an allowance from his parents. A slightly cautious reception from the crowd, who are unsure whether to boo or cheer.
21.24: As George enters, he meets a now slightly frazzled Bonnie and - with some confusion - Pete, still swearing.
21.25: Shabhaz introduces himself as a "paki poof", which seems to please the crowd. "Maybe I'll find my ideal man," he declares in a Scottish accent.
21.27: "Hello there everyone," he says with the tone of Lorraine Kelly as he enters the house, before joining Pete in jumping up and down on the spot. Bonnie looks even more frazzled.
21.33: Next is Lea, a 35-year old model who has been nipped, tucked and had her breasts blown up gigantic proportions. To her surprise, she is booed - the crowd hate plastic. "Miserable sods," she replies as she goes down the stairs. "Nasty, horrible people - I've done nowt wrong."
21.36: Shabhaz is the first to acknowledge Lea and her offending assets.
21.38: Imogen, a former Miss Wales, follows. "Her family don't know she owns a vibrator," Davina helpfully informs us. Imogen's reception is the best yet.
21.39: Once again Shabhaz is waiting behind the door to pounce upon, and then fawn over, the new arrival.
21.40: "I hate feminist women," pretty boy Mikey declares before explaining why he hates being around ugly people. The worst reception yet - mostly of the higher-pitched variety - taking him aback slightly. One thing that we do need to remember is that what people say in their intro videos, and the nuggets of info that Davina imparts to us, is more often than not exaggeration or just sheer lies - told in order to get into the house.
21.43: Mikey is significantly more popular inside the house than outside it, especially with Shebaz, who treats him to a peck on the cheek. "Wankers, wankers," Pete says in the background.
21.44: "The realities of life are that it is shit," says plain-speaking Dawn, our next entrant. Failing to acknowledge the comedy of Dawn's rant, boos dominate the early part of her swift walk towards the house.
21.46: Lifeguard Glyn is next, who prefers to express himself without clothes. The crowd find the fact that he is Welsh funnier, however.
21.48: Glyn makes his way through the crowd and into the house wearing just his shorts - he's a lifeguard, remember? - where Shebhaz is waiting. "Are you not cold?" he asks Glyn, who is promptly distracted by Lea and her chest.
21.54: Canadian-born Richard, a lover of "big dumb men", is next. "I'd seduce a corpse," he boasts randomly before explaining how graceless he is.
21.56: Posing for the cameras like a pro, Richard shakes the hands of several audience members before jaunting towards the house. "In he goes," says Davina. "The sexual terrorist - Richard!"
21.57: "I hope there are some good looking men and a bar in this house," he says to himself before walking through the door. "Hello gorgeous!" says Pete as the sexual terrorist greets everyone in turn.
21.58: Fashion-obsessed Grace is next on the roll call. She would love to abolish taxation, Davina informs us, and is a terrible snorer. Wolf whistles are heard as she dives towards the house.
22.01: Gobby Lisa - Chinese with a Mancunian accent - follows. "Don't cross me or you'll feel my wrath," she warns before demonstrating that she is hard of hearing, an ailment that has been self-inflicted. The crowd like her.
22.03: Our penultimate entrant is entrepreneur and Kenzie-lookalike Sezer, who treats us to his CV. "Any woman I've ever mixed with would never call me a bad name because no-one they ever meet would take them to the places I would," he claims.
22.05: "Hail Sezer," Davina commands as he poses for the paps then makes his way towards the house, repeatedly declaring "number one" to the camera. "Sezer's Palace," he reaffirms in the stairway before entering said palace.
22.08: The final housemate is Nikki, another chatterbox. "My main ambition is to marry a Premiership footballer," is her mission statement. "I am not designed to be a pauper." She adds that she is "man mad" and admits that she hasn't "had a good shag in about six months".
22.09: ... but the crowd doesn't like that, nor her Playboy bunny attire.
22.11: "I can't breathe," she says, ahead of the inevitable hysterics as she enters. Lea is quick to remind her to ignore the negative comments.
22.13: With all fourteen now safely inside, Davina does a quick spot of promo for the Kit Kat competition before informing us that Big Brother "has a whole lot of surprises up his sleeve". Just not tonight.
22.14: Here ends our live introduction to BB7. Do stick with us in the hours - and weeks - ahead for full coverage!
20.59: ... and like a leech draining blood from its unsuspecting victim, so is DS:BB. Welcome to the start of our round-the-clock coverage of Big Brother 7. Over the next hour we'll meet the fourteen - yes, fourteen - housemates for the first time and watch as they enter their new abode.
21.00: "Viewers, you have fifteen seconds goodbye to the summer," says Davina. "Big Brother is coming to get you." A witty introduction launches the show.
21.01: Another nice touch - brief highlights of the past six years of BB to reinforce that it is the big daddy of reality shows. Keep in mind when you watch tonight's show - and meet the housemates - that BB is laying the ground for a battle with ITV's Love Island.
21.03: Davina takes us on a tour through the "inside out" house, complete with new garden bridge, a barbie and an underwater cam in the pool.
21.05: Davina rolls around on the new bed and gives R1 DJ Chris Moyles a namecheck. She also teaches us how to use the urinals.
21.07: Even more ways to influence the housemates: BB producers can now change the colour of the lighted living room walls at the push of the button.
21.08: "It's so camp," Davina declares as she plonks her posterior on the swish, gold-coloured diary room chair. But enough with that - housemates are upcoming...
21.13: ... the first of whom is Bonnie, who has stolen the voice of Science. "I'll bring my sexy ass down here," she declares, before inviting everyone to participate in a "wank-off competition". Predictably, she is booed on her way in, which seems to amuse Davina. Heartless.
21.15: A few gasps are all we get from Bonnie when she enters the house and paces around nervously. Is she not aware that she has a duty to converse with herself, as the first one in?
21.17: Next in is the E4 censor's dream, Pete, who has Tourette's. "People with Tourette's can learn from me," he stutters, which draws laughs from the crowd. "Wankers." Enthusiastically exiting his car, he poses for the paps and shakes the hands of virtually everyone in the crowd before finally entering the house.
21.20: "Honey, I'm home," he declares to a bemused Bonnie before ticking maniacally. "What have you been taking?" she enquires.
21.21: Next is George, a self-confessed posh lad who survives on an allowance from his parents. A slightly cautious reception from the crowd, who are unsure whether to boo or cheer.
21.24: As George enters, he meets a now slightly frazzled Bonnie and - with some confusion - Pete, still swearing.
21.25: Shabhaz introduces himself as a "paki poof", which seems to please the crowd. "Maybe I'll find my ideal man," he declares in a Scottish accent.
21.27: "Hello there everyone," he says with the tone of Lorraine Kelly as he enters the house, before joining Pete in jumping up and down on the spot. Bonnie looks even more frazzled.
21.33: Next is Lea, a 35-year old model who has been nipped, tucked and had her breasts blown up gigantic proportions. To her surprise, she is booed - the crowd hate plastic. "Miserable sods," she replies as she goes down the stairs. "Nasty, horrible people - I've done nowt wrong."
21.36: Shabhaz is the first to acknowledge Lea and her offending assets.
21.38: Imogen, a former Miss Wales, follows. "Her family don't know she owns a vibrator," Davina helpfully informs us. Imogen's reception is the best yet.
21.39: Once again Shabhaz is waiting behind the door to pounce upon, and then fawn over, the new arrival.
21.40: "I hate feminist women," pretty boy Mikey declares before explaining why he hates being around ugly people. The worst reception yet - mostly of the higher-pitched variety - taking him aback slightly. One thing that we do need to remember is that what people say in their intro videos, and the nuggets of info that Davina imparts to us, is more often than not exaggeration or just sheer lies - told in order to get into the house.
21.43: Mikey is significantly more popular inside the house than outside it, especially with Shebaz, who treats him to a peck on the cheek. "Wankers, wankers," Pete says in the background.
21.44: "The realities of life are that it is shit," says plain-speaking Dawn, our next entrant. Failing to acknowledge the comedy of Dawn's rant, boos dominate the early part of her swift walk towards the house.
21.46: Lifeguard Glyn is next, who prefers to express himself without clothes. The crowd find the fact that he is Welsh funnier, however.
21.48: Glyn makes his way through the crowd and into the house wearing just his shorts - he's a lifeguard, remember? - where Shebhaz is waiting. "Are you not cold?" he asks Glyn, who is promptly distracted by Lea and her chest.
21.54: Canadian-born Richard, a lover of "big dumb men", is next. "I'd seduce a corpse," he boasts randomly before explaining how graceless he is.
21.56: Posing for the cameras like a pro, Richard shakes the hands of several audience members before jaunting towards the house. "In he goes," says Davina. "The sexual terrorist - Richard!"
21.57: "I hope there are some good looking men and a bar in this house," he says to himself before walking through the door. "Hello gorgeous!" says Pete as the sexual terrorist greets everyone in turn.
21.58: Fashion-obsessed Grace is next on the roll call. She would love to abolish taxation, Davina informs us, and is a terrible snorer. Wolf whistles are heard as she dives towards the house.
22.01: Gobby Lisa - Chinese with a Mancunian accent - follows. "Don't cross me or you'll feel my wrath," she warns before demonstrating that she is hard of hearing, an ailment that has been self-inflicted. The crowd like her.
22.03: Our penultimate entrant is entrepreneur and Kenzie-lookalike Sezer, who treats us to his CV. "Any woman I've ever mixed with would never call me a bad name because no-one they ever meet would take them to the places I would," he claims.
22.05: "Hail Sezer," Davina commands as he poses for the paps then makes his way towards the house, repeatedly declaring "number one" to the camera. "Sezer's Palace," he reaffirms in the stairway before entering said palace.
22.08: The final housemate is Nikki, another chatterbox. "My main ambition is to marry a Premiership footballer," is her mission statement. "I am not designed to be a pauper." She adds that she is "man mad" and admits that she hasn't "had a good shag in about six months".
22.09: ... but the crowd doesn't like that, nor her Playboy bunny attire.
22.11: "I can't breathe," she says, ahead of the inevitable hysterics as she enters. Lea is quick to remind her to ignore the negative comments.
22.13: With all fourteen now safely inside, Davina does a quick spot of promo for the Kit Kat competition before informing us that Big Brother "has a whole lot of surprises up his sleeve". Just not tonight.
22.14: Here ends our live introduction to BB7. Do stick with us in the hours - and weeks - ahead for full coverage!
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