'Doctor Who' Season Four: Cult Spy Awards

Before you can screech 'Allons-y Alonso' in a faux English accent, Cult Spy has rolled out the red carpet for our glittering awards ceremony to celebrate the best and worst of the revived Doctor Who's fourth season.

If you want semi-coherent analysis of the show, then check out last week's review, but for now here's an alternative look at the year. On to the first award we go...

Best Weight Loss Plan

Making Fern Britton's gastric band look like a string of liquorice, the Adipose cheerfully helped the masses shed those extra pounds - and a great deal more - in 'Partners In Crime'. Atkins Diet - move over! In this Size Zero generation, Miss Foster's revolutionary weight loss pill could certainly find a market amongst those who don't read the small print (i.e. - the amount of weight lost is not conducive to living).

Worst Hair Restoral Plan

A thinning thatch has left many scientists scratching their bonces in search of a cure. A remedy they are unlikely to pursue is the one used by Mr. Halpen in 'Planet Of The Ood', where the ruthless human frequently imbibed a tonic provided by his Ood slave - unaware that it was poisoned.

Still, at least he ended up gaining a few extra tentacles, if not follicles.

Most Inspired Bonkers Moment

The Doctor incapacitating a Sontaran in 'The Poison Sky' by hitting a squash ball onto its probic bent was hilarious, although traditionalists would rather a cricket ball have been deployed.

Similarly, the triumphant sight of the Tardis 'towing' the Earth back into position in 'Journey's End' also made for exhilarating viewing, as did the reinvention of Dalek Caan as a lunatic and Professor Peach being killed in the library with lead piping... by a giant wasp. However, Wilf's attempt to thwart a Dalek with a paintball gun scoops the gong, bolstered by the subsequent fan-pleasing in-joke retort by the metal-encased mutant of "my vision is NOT impaired".

Best Shock

Billie Piper's cameo in 'Partners In Crime' came totally out of the blue, as we'd all been led to believe Rose Tyler would only be back in action towards the end of the series.

The scene in question was not included in any press screenings and Piper was left out of the published cast list, so it was totally unspoiled. This stroke of genius from the production team is a worthy winner.

Least Inspired Bonkers Moment

The Doctor once brought down Harriet Jones with six words. We can reveal the winner of this category in just three:

Martha.
Hath.
Quicksand.

Worst Speech Impediment

In 'Forest Of The Dead', Donna's stammering sweetheart Lee tragically couldn't call out after the feisty temp upon returning from Dr. Moon's virtual world. Supplying shivers rather than tears, the possessed character of Sky in 'Midnight' unleashed some fearsome mimicry and the vocal equivalent of predictive text messages.

However, making Dalek Caan's diction look inconspicuous, Billie Piper's lisping return to Rose Tyler in 'Turn Left' is the runaway winner. Just as well she didn't encounter the 'Thlitheen'...

Most Random Pop Culture Reference

'The Stolen Earth' is a strong contender for not only featuring biologist Richard Dawkins (who happens to be married to former Doctor Who companion Lalla Ward), but also showing Captain Jack slating Ianto Jones for watching The Paul O' Grady Show.

A lovely Fawlty Towers reference cropped in 'The Fires of Pompeii', with The Doctor saying: "You must excuse my friend - she's from Barcelona". Yet nothing can beat the ingenuity of the Ood slave with a Homer Simpson preset function, barking out "D'oh". Utterly funny, yet also a poignant reminder of how the evil humans have sought to erode the identity of the Ood species in favour of commercialisation and commodification.

Most Upsetting Donna Noble Put Down

For rather tedious reasons, Donna's namecalling in 'Turn Left' included branding someone 'Vera Duckworth' - a Coronation Street character.

Hardened old-school Whovians will remember when their beloved show was pitted against Coronation Street in a late 80s ratings battle that saw the time travelling show fall to as little as 3.1 million viewers. It still hurts... boo hoo!

Top Gross Out Moment

Mr. Halpen's transformation into Ood comes very close to winning, but he's already walked off with a shiny award. So give a round of applause to Davros for opening his leather tunic to reveal his startling meat-free ribs.

Lopping off your pectorals to breed a new army of Daleks is certainly one way of avoiding manboobs in later years.

Most Eyebrow-Raising Cliffhanger

In 'The Sontaran Stratagem' The Doctor stands and surveys the fume-filled skies around him after failing to prise open the door to a car inside which Wilf is choking to death. Was it something he said?

Fortunately Donna's mother used her brain and smashed the car window in with an axe to save the poor old man.

Character Most Worthy Of A Spinoff Show

Forget Jenny, The Doctor's dubiously spawned daughter. That would be far too contrived. Instead, we suggest a chatshow featuring the mighty and mental Dalek Caan himself, in which he predicts the future for his celebrity guests and regales them with his tales of unlocking the Time War (presumably Ctrl, Alt, Delete did the trick). Caan could be a cross between Russell Grant and Jonathan Ross. Meeting the latter's wages could be a slight stumbling block though...

> What else deserves an award? Share your suggestions