Cult Spy's Phobia Corner #10: 'Sweets'

The Phobia: Sweets

The Cause: Doctor Who - 'The Happiness Patrol' (1988)

There’s nothing quite like a bit of sweet candy to cheer you up when you’re down in the dumps. Guzzling some pick’n’mix can definitely put some spring back into your footsteps too. But seasoned Whovians across the globe can never look at a packet of liquorice allsorts without a shiver down their spine, thanks to an infamous 1988 story called ‘The Happiness Patrol’…

Set on the planet Terra Alpha, The Doctor and companion Ace discover a human colony where unhappiness is a crime punishable by death. It’s fair to say that Victor Meldrew need not bring an overnight bag if he turned up. But it’s the method of death, and more specifically the sickly sweet executioner. Say his name five times in front of a mirror and out he springs to carve you to death with a sharpened stick of Brighton Rock. No, hang on, wrong Candyman.

The Kandy Man responsible for our sweet phobia is a sadistic robot built from assorted pieces of confectionary, with marshmallows for feet and a very soft centre indeed. Funnily enough, the BBC received an official complaint from a popular sweets manufacturer that the monster breached the copyright of their promotional tool Bertie Bassett. Lurking around in his Kandy Kitchen, the sherbet-encrusted maniac announces his presence by executing a man found guilty of publicly displaying grief. The Kandy Man does this by pouring a lethal mix of sweet strawberry ‘fondant surprise’ over the poor guy.

“I like my volunteers to die with smiles on their faces,” the Kandy Man tells a shocked Doctor when they come face to face (well, technically, face to fruit pastille).

“I make sweets,” the fiendish foe continued. “Not just any old sweets, but sweets that are so good, so delicious, that sometimes if I’m on form the human physiology is not equipped to bear the pleasure”. Move over Willy Wonka.

Not so much sickly sweet as fatally sweet, The Kandy Man has undoubtedly led to a mass exodus from confectionary stalls over the last two decades with an influence that Jamie Oliver can only dream of.

To read previous editions of Phobia Corner, click here.