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'Torchwood' - The Cult Spy Awards

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'Torchwood' - The Cult Spy Awards
What better way to celebrate a fantastic second season of Torchwood than to dish out a few imaginary gongs to the best and worst elements of the show? We're sure some of the controversial victors will take your breath away - but thankfully not dispose of it in a silver jug carried by a ringmaster who has emerged from a reel of film. That's already been done.

Best Episode
More fright wedding than white wedding, 'Something Borrowed' was a pure joy to watch. Gwen's shock pregnancy at the hands of a shapeshifting alien propelled us into the realms of farce and heightened emotion, as her union with Rhys came under immense strain. The parents of the hapless couple were almost as horrific as the alien itself! The tantalising scene in which Gwen almost snogs Jack (in reality a shapeshifter) really ramps up the ongoing intrigue, while the bondage between Tosh and the horny Best Man called Banana brings out the lass's nut crunching ability!

Worst Episode
With a script by legendary sci-fi scribe PJ Hammond and a performance the highly touted Julian Bleach (rumoured to be playing Davros in Doctor Who), expectations were understandably high for 'Out of the Rain'. However, some leaden direction dissipated any tension and the central celluloid plot was equally languid.

Strongest Liver Award
The winner stands head, shoulders and bladder among everyone else. Step forward Captain John for his marvellous drinking feats in a Cardiff nightclub in 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang'. His door policy left something to be desired though, as only the aesthetically pleasing clubbers were allowed to bask in his presence.

The Pinocchio Wooden Performance Award
A quick fade to Gray dominates this category. Captain Jack's long lost brother may have had some passing resemblance to John Barrowman, but he also had plenty of splinters. Lachlan Nieboer's turn as the tortured Gray was unbearably bad, devoid of any depth or sense that he'd been subjected to years of mental torture. If only the viewers could have been retconned and the role recast.

Most Moving Performance
Undoubtedly the tightest category, we'll overlook the tragic death scenes of Owen and Tosh to save readers from another onslaught of tears. Instead, the nutritious space whale in 'Meat' wins the category, fending off strong contenders in the shape of Beth from 'Sleeper', 'To The Last Man's' Tommy and the elder Jonah in 'Adrift'. This win is a real victory for the combined efforts of the CGI and sound effects department, as they combined to great emotive effect. Even Captain Jack displayed his soppy side.

Useless Information Award
If ever any Torchwood fans are accosted by a stray pterodactyl, they now have the necessary knowledge to plot a quick escape to safety. Simply use a random piece of dark chocolate to distract the beast and quickly leg it. Under no circumstances try and mount the creature like Captain Jack did.

Best Guest Star
Legendary actors Richard Briers and Alan Dale both turned in compelling, multi-layered performances, but the return of the loveable, meat-munching Doctor Who monster The Hoix in 'Exit Wounds' is unbeatable. Give him his own spin off show please! Preferably set in Burger King... with Gray doused in barbecue sauce and chained to the straw dispenser.

> Agree or disagree with the winners? Share your views

> Click here for our review of Torchwood's second season

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