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The Cult Spy Awards 2009

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The Cult Spy Awards 2009
With another eventful year of cult television drawing to a close, it’s time for Cult Spy to swipe aside the cobwebs from its trophy cabinet and dish out a few gongs for some of the best, worst and most downright bizarre moments of 2009. So read on for our take, which encompasses everything from True Blood's Sookie losing her virginity to a vampire and Battlestar Galactica's most evil Cylon topping himself, via the latest botched attempt by Heroes to turn into a kamikaze show...

Most Stunning Death

The mortality rate for cult characters in 2009 was staggering. 24's dependable Bill Buchanan, Torchwood's loveable Ianto Jones, Prison Break's sweaty Michael Scofield and Primeval’s wooden Nick Cutter were just some of the prominent figures to be felled during the year. However, in terms of sheer impact, the sudden demise of BSG’s John Cavil just pips Adelaide’s offscreen suicide in Doctor Who’s ‘The Waters Of Mars’. In the show’s final episode, the crooked Cylon panicked when violence erupted during peace negotiations and let out a cry of “Frak!” before putting a bullet in his toaster brain.

Biggest Disappointment

Expectations weren’t exactly high when it emerged that the boys from The Dwarf were making a small screen comeback earlier this year. But surely the decade since the poor eighth season could have been used by remaining writer Doug Naylor to formulate some fresh jokes? As it turned out, Red Dwarf: Back To Earth was more stale than one of Dave Lister’s urine recyc beverages. Still, at least fans of Blade Runner had a lot to enjoy thanks to the repeated references.

Worst Network Interference

Just what were the Fox Network playing at when they fiddled around with Joss Whedon’s new series Dollhouse? They thwarted the Buffy maestro’s vision for the show by scrapping his superior original pilot and shoving out a garbled, uninvolving composite mess of future episodes as the debut instalment of the show. No wonder so many quickly lost faith. Nontheless, the winner of this award is ITV – who interfered with their own schedules to find a place for the risible Demons. It made their Celebrity Wrestling endeavour look like high art.

Most Fitting Ending

Prison Break was finally put out of its misery in 2009 following a couple of dismal seasons that were only worth watching for the performances of William Fichtner and Robert Knepper as Alexander Mahone and Theodore Bagwell respectively. The dastardly T-Bag finally received his just desserts by landing back in prison by the end of the series – although he had a new Tweener to cling onto his pockets. Mahone meanwhile, managed to find both peace with himself and love with Agent Lang.

Best Deflowering

The terrific True Blood mesmerised audiences with the relationship between young, telepathic waitress Sookie Stackhouse and 173-year-old vampire Bill Compton. Their early canoodlings come up against the animosity of the town, given the undesirable status accorded to vampires. However, the lonely pair forge a touching and meaningful bond, something Sookie had been unable to manage earlier as her abilities often thwarted any romantic possibilities.

The ‘Heroes’ Self Sabotage Award

This unsurprisingly goes to Heroes and its constant hunt for its own identity. Not content with killing off such compelling new characters as Elle, Bob and Adam Monroe during ‘Villains’, they opt to excise the marvellous hero hunter Danko from the show. Madness. Still, at least that allowed the sublime Željko Ivanek to continue his quest to become the next Alan Dale elsewhere…

Best Comeback

The return of Kellerman for the Prison Break finale was both satisfying and amusing. This guy was evil personified during the first two seasons, a cold, callous killer who did terrible things to Sara Tancredi in her hotel room - yet now he's working for the United Nations. Move over Kofi Annan! Ridiculous yes, but entirely fitting given the preposterous nature of the show.

Best Fight

The brutal slugging session between randy males Jack and Sawyer during Lost’s fifth season finale was drenched with blood, sweat and tears – and undoubtedly elicited mass oestrogen secretions across the show’s female following. At least this island didn’t need Paul Danan to be shipped out there to stir things up. With Lost drawing to a close soon, it’ll be fascinating to find out who ends up with Kate.

Funniest Show

Being Human was a true rib-tickling treat in the early part of 2009, especially in the interaction between Russell Tovey’s anxious werewolf George and Dean Lennox Kelly’s devious Tully. The pair’s attempts to safeguard their full moon transformations by using a bit of chicken on a string were hilarious, as were Tully’s attempts to woo anything female with a pulse. George’s “Do I look like a paedo?” line was outstanding. Read more about the show’s genius humour here.
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