The End of Cult Spy

After three years and 348 editions, Cult Spy is coming to an end… but the moment has been prepared for. Maybe one day it shall come back in some creepy manifestation, not unlike Locke from Lost. That will probably require an Alan Partridge-style raid on DS HQ while brandishing a large slab of Stilton… and we're all out of cheese right now. So we're going the way of Ianto – albeit without a comforting hug from Captain Jack to see us through to the other side. Where are you, Barrowman?! *shakes fist* For now, here's a look back at CS's reign of terror that's more self-indulgent than the latter half of 'The End Of Time: Part Two'…

It all began on March 10, 2007 with Bonnie Langford in a bathing suit. If only the likes of Demons and Spooks: Code 9 had ventured down that path, then they might have had a tad more longevity. The scenario in question stemmed from the 1987 Doctor Who adventure 'Paradise Towers', which genuinely gave this beleaguered freelance writer a terrible aversion to swimming pools for a lengthy period. More importantly, it gave rise to a recurring feature called 'Phobia Corner'. Other fears tackled included haircuts courtesy of The Tripods, reptiles due to V, kebabphobia caused by Red Dwarf and feeling oeuf-al all because of Buffy. An offshoot of this even made it into last year's Faber & Faber book Shouting At The Telly.

The Dalek Caan-type tentacles managed to surreptitiously slither off in other directions, too. Arguably, the crowning glory in the last three years was the hysterical reaction in some quarters to a feature entitled 'Paris Hilton To Play The Bride Of Davros'. Dealing with all those false casting rumours that the tabloids trot out, the piece inadvertently - and hilariously - spawned its own hearsay as some failed to read beyond the first few lines (before the huge disclaimer) about the evil Dalek creator wheeling Miss Hilton down the aisle in a future story. There was about as much truth in that as Dr Fox's (non-shadowy) proclamation on Brass Eye that crabs share the same DNA as paedophiles. Yet that didn't stop headlines like "Paris Hilton spielt in Doctor Who" from zapping around the global wires like Maureen Lipman in 'The Idiot's Lantern'! (Big thanks, by the way, to DS image guru Chris Allen for the excellent visualisation of 'Davros Hilton').

Another laboured attempt to generate interest through a sensationalised headline came with the April 2007 feature 'Sec's In The City'. This plod through various locations visited by the globetrotters from Skaro sadly wasn't misinterpreted by overseas news agencies as proof that Dalek Sec was somehow cross-pollinating with Sarah Jessica Parker. Mind you, Sec did manage to breed a human with a Dalek, so horses would have been a doddle.

Perhaps that bitchy quip has stemmed from the frustration to find The New Alan Dale over the past year. The ubiquitous actor, forever known to a generation as 'Jim from Neighbours', has amassed a dazzling array of culty credits in recent times. The likes of Ray Wise, Željko Ivanek, Michelle Forbes and Glenn Morshower were all pretenders to Dale's throne, but none quite encompassed the same transatlantic reach as the Ramsay Street legend. Then, just last week, an email arrived from Cult Spy reader Alison Trace that solved everything (and in a far less convoluted manner than the BSG finale). All along, The Dalemeister was never the real King Of Cult – he was merely a contender to be the new William Morgan Sheppard. Just Google the guy, who happens to be the daddy of Romo Lampkin himself – Mark Sheppard.

In between struggling with a Doctor Who addiction and 'twanging the Royal hymen' with a few 'Huntisms', we also dug up many classic scenes and immortalised various characters as Cult Spy Icons – with an unashamed bias towards any inhabitants of Twin Peaks. Surely nobody can ever top the beautiful smugness of Albert Rosenfield? However, Tully from Being Human racked up loads of legendary moments. If only Nando's started serving 'chicken on a string' in his honour.

The provocatively titled 'Verdicts' sparked up plenty of debate in the comments section – especially when it came to the 2009 Doctor Who specials 'The Waters Of Mars' and 'Planet Of The Dead'. Ultimately, it's such a pleasure to be discussing and engaging with so many 'cult' shows on television these days – whether that be the good, the bad or the Demons. As an aside, Philip Glenister's accent in that particular show really needs to have some TV Burp-style fight - conducted via soundwaves - with Billie Piper's Eubank-esque lisping as Rose Tyler in 'Turn Left'.

Anyway, an Ood has just poked me on Facebook so that must signal the end. Thanks to all those who have followed Cult Spy over the years. I shall leave you with one last word…

Geronimo!