Never say the Kardashians isn't diverse - this season premiere covered everything from baby gender to, um, 'back doors' and sex toys. Read on to find out the biggest revelations we picked up...
Kim was not at all excited about being pregnant. There were tears.
Honestly, I kind of admire Kim for being so totally open about how unexcited she is about getting preggers. There's no 'miracle of life' for her - instead, she's in the ultrasound with Kris Jenner and is so uninterested in the whole thing that she doesn't even bother getting a picture of her unborn child. To be fair she does seem quite interested in eating her placenta but, well, ick.
This apathy is probably how a lot of women feel, so Good On Kim for being honest about it. There's a reason for it, of course - she's stressed about not being divorced from Kris Humphries yet and not having managed to buy a house with Kanye yet. When she eventually does, Khloe's there to point out how they'll have to babyproof the fancy chandeliers, which is kind of a buzzkill. Although, seriously, Kim wants to move the pool a little to the right because it is currently "not liveable". Khloe's smirk says it all.
Anyway, everything comes to a head when Kris excitedly shows Kim the nursery she's planning in the Jenner home and Kim sighs that she's "not ready" for all this. Kris actually shows genuine concern that Kim isn't enjoying her pregnancy and Kim admits that, well, she's not. Maybe she'll get excited when she starts showing. This is all so sad. I mean, they both end up in Real Tears (as opposed to Reality Show Tears). Basically it boils down to Kim being unhappy about being married to someone else while being pregnant with Kanye's tot.
She leaves without seeing anyone because she's so upset, so Kris immediately pulls rank and tells the rest of the family that they must be supportive and nice. Scott is totally on board: "I think an email will be sufficient." Then he says something about "open vaginas" which I don't really understand so it's possibly best we move on.
Bruce has figured out how to make Kris notice him.
One of the most heartbreaking moments ever to air on KUWTK - like, ever - came when Bruce went to stay at Khloe's house for three days and no one noticed he was gone. Well, by now he's worked out how to make his presence felt - by inviting his 'model helicopter' friends over (including one with a spectacular moustache) and making a lot of noise. Kris starts out the night by saying she's trying to be a bit more relaxed and ends it screwed up in bed muttering curses.
The real Final Straw comes when Bruce walks in on Kris having a massage and laughs about the dog licking her face (seeing Bruce crouch under the massage table to look at Kris through the face hole is a great image). She starts moaning about having no time to herself. Bruce, who has married into the Kardashian family, points out reasonably: "I have no privacy and no peace." Somehow, the accepted response to this becomes Bruce finding his own place (a Malibu "man cave").
It's pretty intense seeing Bruce and Kris defend this as a "good thing" to everyone - from Kendall and Kylie to Khloe to Brody and Leah (the best is Kris's friend Rhonda who says so much with only her frowny face). No one believes that this is a good idea and Kris doesn't exactly reassure Khloe when she says: "We do not want to get divorced. We've discussed this." "YOU'VE DISCUSSED GETTING DIVORCED?" Khloe squeals. Way to calm things down, Kris.
Anyway, Bruce is having a great time on his own because he can put a ping pong table in the living room and leave chips and salsa everywhere. Kris, on the other hand, is watching The Bachelor alone. Eventually, she goes to Bruce's Malibu manor to complain about the mess and the mattress and bring him home, where she gets dressed up, cooks him dinner and generally loves him up. I feel Bruce may have won here.
We will never be able to use the phrase 'back door' the same way, thanks to Kourtney and Scott. Thankfully, neither will Scott.
Oh, the Kardashians. We can go from heartwarming baby news to anal sex in the blink of an eye. It all begins when Rob reveals that he's "thrown it in the back door" with two different girls, which gets Scott's eyes popping. Khloe is accused of "back-dooring it on the daily" and Scott is getting more and more intrigued: "Khloe and Lamar are definitely doing some super weird things. I don't even know if they're legal, but they're probably fun. I'm into doing them too." Kourtney is not. "Ow. And ew."
Kourtney continues to try to put Scott off by doing a bizarre demonstration involving a doughnut and a carrot (don't even ask) but he is not to be deterred and sends her the text: "Knock knock, who's there, it's my penis knocking on your back door." Who says romance is dead? But Khloe has an idea - why not try it out on Scott first and see if he likes it?
Kourtney floats this idea and it becomes a classic Scott moment as his eyes basically pop out of his head and he loses all speech function. "This is not a two way street!" he gabbles, looking haunted. But Kourtney's the one who won't back down this time, so she actually straps on a dildo and starts chasing him around the house in some demented game of kiss chase. At one point, she is doing star jumps with a strap-on. It works, though. "I think I may have to become celibate after this," Scott sighs, a broken man.
There's going to be a baby girl!
Let's move on to an altogether more wholesome topic. Khloe and Kourtney join Kris and Kim for the latest ultrasound appointment - where she's going to find out the sex of her baby. When the doctor says he can't see a "peepee" (the medical term), Kim says: "If it takes after its father, you would see it." Ah, how poetic. Thanks for that knowledge of Kanye's genitalia, Kim.
Anyway, with no peepee in sight, it seems that Kim is going to have a baby girl! Now Kim is smiling and she starts to get excited, going shopping with Kourtney and finally looking forward to having a little baby in her life. "I finally feel like I'm at a really good place," she says. Hurrah! Now, the next step is choosing a name...
- Kim's farts smell: Never accuse the Kardashians of not being classy. We're less than a minute in to the premiere when Kim's complaining about the dog's gas. "I've smelled yours - they're pretty bad," Bruce grins. Good to know.
- Brody and Brandon Jenner are official cast members now: But only got about a minute of screen time. Combined.
- Kourtney breast pumps everywhere: Even backstage at Today. I love her.
- Kourtney and Rob and Khloe have a little clapping game: Cute.
- Kim and Kanye's home decor plans sound, er, interesting: Their plans include not only shifting the pool along, but covering a whole wall with "greenery". I mean, an inner wall. Why bother with wallpaper when you can just have PLANTS?
- Kylie is old enough to be driving around everywhere: When did that happen?
- Kim plays her unborn baby Kanye's music through special womb-headphones: I am not sure if that kind of language is appropriate for a baby, but whatever.
- Kanye Kount: 0.