Keep refreshing here throughout the evening as we take a peek at the first auditions, deal with Cowell's alleged "childish meltdown" and perhaps even discover the truth behind the Cheryl Cole saga. Cowell's X Factor is the biggest show on British television and he wants to turn it into the biggest TV franchise in the world. Will he succeed? Let's find out!
9.58pm And that's it for night one! Tomorrow night, more crazy acts take the stage - one of whom, according to the previews, will make LA want to slit his wrists. Sounds like a winner to me!
9.52pm 28-year-old bin man Chris Rene - who we learn recently left rehab and has been clean for 70 days - hits the stage next and upon first impression, seems to be going for a Justin Timberlake vibe. I'm a little sceptical when he announces plans to sing an original track entitled 'Young Homie'. However, despite his distracting 'Itsy Bitsy Spider'-esque hand movements, he actually has a voice. His rhyming skills also start to impress the judges and they all bop their heads along.
Nicole is "trippin' on" him and thinks his talent is indescribable, while Paula calls him a "bright light". LA Reid says that he is "the truth", a statement many hip-hop greats would approve of. Simon also thinks he's a star and unsurprisingly, we'll be seeing Chris again.
9.44pm Mother and daughter duo T For Two are an absolute disaster, as is 40-year-old Darren Michaels who apparently finds employment as a musician on a daily basis and has the most unnerving laugh I've ever heard. College acapella group The Sonnets are the kind of music Simon listens to while getting a massage, apparently, and I've lost my appetite for the evening just thinking about Cowell in a towel.
9.40pm Next up is 23-year-old Nici Collins. It's one of those auditions that make you wonder whether you're watching some rather bad sketch comedy. She tries Mariah Carey's 'Emotions', but literally screeches like a pterodactyl the entire way through.
She cuts herself off but insists on doing another song, which Simon shuts down. Paula says what I'm thinking for once and asks whether she's come to audition on a dare. All four judges send her packing.
9.35pm Boy group trio The Anser is up next and they harmonise a 'Happy Birthday' for Nicole. Whatever. They make the predictable choice of 'Rolling in the Deep' by Adele - which is rather average, though their voices could be worse.
Then they try and get clever by cutting in a sample of Britney Spears' 'Till The World Ends' and apparently I'm the only person who finds it annoying because not only is everyone cheering, but Simon's smiling. They're through.
9.31pm It's a new day, and it's also Nicole's birthday! As the audience sings to her, she's also presented with a cake backstage with Simon's face on it - every girl's dream. Nicole makes it a point of telling every auditionee that it's her birthday, prompting Simon to ask why she's acting like a 6-year-old. Because it's her birthday, obviously!
9.19pm Hopefully, 20-year-old Marcus Canty fares a bit better. As he launches into Stevie Wonder's 'I Wish', he's actually pretty good and manages to get Paula and Nicole up out of their seats and dancing, along with plenty of the audience.
LA thinks he's got a lot of Bobby Brown in him and Paula thinks he's "fresh and fantastic", which Paula agrees with. Simon was initially wary of the song choice but really, really likes him as he reminds him a lot of Usher and is "one to watch".
9.11pm First up in Seattle is 43-year-old velour pyjama (?) wearing Geo Godley with an original track that can only be described as utterly terrible. As he sings the line "I'm a stud" repeatedly, he strips down, revealing a tie-dyed t-shirt and... nothing down below, prompting screams from Nicole and looks of utter shock from everyone else.
Surprisingly, no-one stops this malarkey, though Paula does eventually get up and walk away as the audience boos. "What the bloody hell was that?" asks Simon. LA thinks it was "offensive, disgusting and distasteful", and Geo is thankfully cut loose as Paula enters the restroom to vomit.
9.07pm Following the break, we've moved on to the Seattle auditions. Steve explains the rules again and I realise that he's changed his accent a bit for American TV, which is a bit odd. We're also introduced to Nicole Scherzinger as Cheryl's replacement on the judging panel, but nothing else is said about the situation. We'll miss you, Cheryl!
8.54pm 42-year-old single mum Stacy Francis tells us her touching story, complete with tinkly piano music. On stage, her version of Aretha Franklin's 'Natural Woman' seems a bit grating to me, but the judges eat it up and even give her a standing ovation.
LA thinks she's "so gifted", while Paula calls her "angelic". (Oh, Paula!) Cheryl was likewise blown away, while Simon says that it was one of the best auditions he's ever seen in his life. She goes through.
8.48pm We then get a montage of contestants who Simon and LA disagree on, arguing back and forth on the reasons why each should go forward and should be sent home.
8.43pm 21-year-old Simone Battle sort of gives me a headache with her excessive self-confidence and the fact that she chooses a Pussycat Dolls track as her audition and Simon stops her halfway through.
He thinks she's ambitious and fearless and would be fun to watch, which Cheryl agrees with - so long as Simone finds her own style. However, LA disagrees and so she sings again and still fails to impress him. Still, she manages to get three yeses and I begin to prepare myself for having to sit through more of her schtick.
8.38pm Teen duo You Only Live Once launches into a bizarre screaming act and they're gone as soon as they came. Linda Ostrofsky's version of 'I Touch Myself' is equally terrible and earache inducing. 30-year-old Miranda Singleton also murders Katy Perry's Firework' but she disagrees with the judges' assessment of her lack of singing skills.
We also get our first taste of America's inability to understand the Geordie accent as Cheryl tells Miranda that she has a bad attitude, prompting the reply: "Excuse me?" Simon clarifies - it's a no.
8.33pm Day 2 in Los Angeles as campy duo Dan and Venita (70 and 83 years old, respectively) who want to use the $5 million to play at senior centers across the country - face the judges.
They launch into an alright version of 'Unchained Melody'. Well, it seemed alright at first and quickly went downhill. Simon calls it "terrifying" and can imagine himself and Paula being just like them in ten years' time. They're sent home empty handed, thank God.
8.26pm Our next auditioner Siameze Floyd seems to be channeling Prince, but not in a particularly good way.
He engages in some rather crazy dancing - complete with hair whipping and the splits - but his singing leaves much to be desired. He gets some laughs from the judging panel, but Simon eventually puts a stop to it. Surprisingly, he gets three yeses, with only LA turning him down.
8.22pm 14-year-old Ellona Santiago also impresses, as does teen John Lindahl and a Justin Bieber track plays in the background - because of course, every teen boy who appeals to girls must be exactly like the 'Baby' singer.
8.19pm Following our first commercial break, we're back in Hollywood as Simon and Paula do that cute little bickering thing they're known and loved for. Then we welcome Terrell Carter - a rather muscled gentleman - to the stage for his audition. After a soulful R&B performance, Cheryl claims he's "got the package" and he's got another four yeses.
8.09pm First up to try her luck is 13-year-old Rachel Crow, who is admittedly pretty cute. I remember her from one of the teasers. She gives 'Mercy' by Duffy a crack and isn't bad!
Paula thinks it was exactly what the show needs and Cheryl is likewise amazed, calling her a "little star" and making me miss her X Factor UK days. L.A. and Simon also love her and she goes through to the next round.
8.06pm Steve introduces the judging panel - there's Simon, LA Reid, Paula Abdul and... Cheryl Cole! She thinks that since most big stars come from America, the show is sure to find one here. And oh, look! Paula Abdul! Blast from the (American Idol past)!
8.03pm From the looks of the teasers we're seeing of the upcoming auditions, we're in for some real treats in terms of eccentric contestants this year! Oh look, it's Steve Jones in a mack truck, welcoming us to The X Factor US!
8.00pm And we're off! Opening sequence is a go as a reel of press clips received by the show is played.
7.55pm Only five minutes to go before we get started! Are we getting excited?
> X Factor USA premiere screening: What the judges said
> X Factor USA reveals episode schedule, live finale dates
> X Factor USA: Four new preview videos