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'Bachelor Pad' episode five recap: "This is karma"

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So last week's rose ceremony didn't go too well for Chris, right? His gameplan finally fell apart when he tried to get Blakeley voted out... and his friends disagreed. Blakeley stayed, and as Erica says: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Chris is pretty sure he's gone this week, while Blakeley is feeling smug and calling him "the s**t on the bottom of [her] shoe".

She even says that "he's made his bed so he has to lie in it" and we see Chris doing just that, pulling the covers over himself like a sulky toddler. It's up to Sarah to go and cheer him up (he thinks all his friends lied to him, which is kind of true, to be fair.) He has an argument with Kalon ("He can't handle the truth!" Kalon announces, like he's in some dramatic film).

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With that shouting match out of the way (and a rose heartlessly decimated in the process), Chris summons the energy to get out of bed and go and shout at Ed instead. To be fair, Ed insists that he did not lie to Chris's face, which is a lie in itself (he claims he made the decision to vote out Jamie at the last minute, because of Jaclyn). Bless, it's like watching a bromance fall apart before your very eyes.

Chris is going on about how he's a "grown-ass man" and Ed doesn't have to scream, and Ed's storming off throwing a glass on the floor. Ouch. "You will not dictate what I do!" Ed declares, like he's fighting a tyrant instead of a fellow contestant on a game show. The next day, Chris is even complaining about how he couldn't sleep because of this "stupid s**t". Oh dear. "The relationships are tarnished," Tony muses wisely. "The trust is gone."

Great Fall of China

Now that everyone's feeling tense, how about a challenge involving patience and quiet? That's what The Great Fall of China requires - each contestant has to carry stacked cups. The winners will each get a rose and a date, obviously, but this time there's no penalty for the losers!

Anyway, it sounds simple, but the women quickly prove that it's anything but - there is broken china all over the place. Still, they find time to grumble about Blakeley's waitressing experience giving her an unfair advantage (and Chris gets super bitchy, saying she's worked at Hooters for "the past 35 years". Oh, ouch.) To be fair, they're all right, though, because Blakeley's the one to cross the finish line first. Actually, Sarah is, but she illegally touched her cups and gets disqualified (the way she moans, you'd think she'd played fair and square). Kalon, noting the Chris situation, calls it "poetic justice". He's enjoying this, isn't he?

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So Chris is in serious trouble unless he wins the challenge, and he gets super focused in his attempt to triumph. He's doing really well, too... until Blakeley's brand new partner Tony catches up and snatches victory (largely thanks to Blakeley, who shouts encouragement to Tony the entire time, distracting everyone else and making Sarah produce spectacular angry faces and growl: "I can't stand her!") Tony and Blakeley ("Chris was dying, which is an amazing feeling") are naturally thrilled. Chris? He's not: "This is my worst nightmare."

A View From The Bridge

So after Blakeley gloats that the challenge couldn't have gone better and Sarah says that it couldn't have been worse, it's time for a bit of dating! Blakeley wants to take her partner Tony on her date, so since he's already got a rose, she gets to pick another man to get a rose and a date as well. Chris begins speaking in confessional about how he doesn't want Kalon to get the rose. Guess who gets the rose?

Anyway, Blakeley then gets to choose whether to go on the normal date or overnight date - naturally, she picks the overnight because she suddenly has dreams of Las Vegas and helicopter rides and private islands and fancy hotels. That means Kalon gets today's outing, and guess who he picks? If you didn't say Lindzi, have you not been watching this show? Least suspenseful pick ever.

Blakeley soon regrets her choice, though, as Lindzi gets gifted with some blingy Neil Lane jewellery before the date's even begun. And Kalon gets the key to a Bentley! "I'm smiling and acting like it didn't bother me," Blakeley says in confessional, as we see her do the fakest massive laugh ever. Oh dear. As for Lindzi and Kalon, though, they drive to a bridge in downtown Los Angeles which has been closed off and decorated for dinner, complete with a fancy chandelier.

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People who hissed at "baggage" Kalon in The Bachelorette then have a double take, as he proceeds to be surprisingly romantic towards Lindzi, telling her that she keeps him "sane" and this is the "most pleasant surprise" he could have dreamed of. And this is different to The Bachelorette... because he's "actually possibly maybe in love with" Lindzi. Oh. My. Goodness. Even with Kalon's constant smirk, you can't deny he's pulling out the lines.

But while Kalon is saying: "I cannot get enough of you" and kissing Lindzi on a Bentley, there's discontent back at the mansion, where Chris is seeking revenge for his betrayal. Kalon might have a rose, but Lindzi doesn't... It's kind of amazing watching Chris plotting to get rid of Kalon's girlfriend, all the while wearing a grey hoodie and a scowl. Sarah's there to encourage him, saying no-one would see it coming. "Ooh, that would be fun," Chris murmurs, evilly.

A Romantic Date... In A Trailer?

Blakeley's getting herself all worked up about her date with Tony (though Ed earns grins when he says: "The only people who actually care where you guys are going are you.") There's even more speculation when Tony receives the date card, a map of California and some keys. Kalon confirms they're not helicopter keys (seriously?!), which makes it all the more funny when Tony and Blakeley step outside to discover a Jeep waiting for them.

Chris, who's been going on and on about how awkward the date is going to be, is feeling very pleased that Blakeley's ended up sitting in a jeep instead of a posh car or helicopter. And Blakeley herself looks a little nervous... even more so when she and Tony pull up at a trailer in the mountains. "This is going to be the worst case scenario possible," she says. Good luck turning this around, Tony!

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Actually, he does - Blakeley realises dates are all about who you're with, and begins to open up about her tough romantic past and tell him that she likes him. For his part, Tony says he's interested to see where this goes. He even puts the car stereo on (hello, Wes's song) for a bit of a dance. "You're precious," Blakeley tells him, kissing him as back at the mansion, Chris goes on and on about how Tony and Blakeley is an awkward combination and won't work out. Even when Chris finds out the next day about all the kissing, he just claims that Tony's been brainwashed!

Back at the mansion...

While Tony and Blakeley are getting close up in the mountains, there's plotting going on in the mansion. Chris is determined to get Lindzi out - revenge is sweet, and all that stuff - so he goes to see Ed to clear the air and get him on board. They agree that they were both stupid during their argument and Ed seems on board with the Lindzi plan - he doesn't trust Kalon. It's looking good for Chris's plan!

It's not all scheming and plotting, though - Michael takes the opportunity to take Rachel for a little date in the mansion. There's a lot of talk about how much they like each other - plus Michael says his relationship with Rachel eliminates some of his bad memories from the mansion. It's all so sweet. What's happened to Bachelor Pad? When did it get a bit... heartwarming?

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Who'll get the rose?

Oh, wait, it's not going to stay sweet! Tony still has a rose to give out to a female contestant, and of course everyone's clamouring to have their say. Chris, for example, thinks Tony owes him one since he's with Blakeley now (this kind of makes sense if you really think about it). In return, he wants Sarah to get the rose. What he really doesn't want is Lindzi to get it, since she's the target (and he tells Tony this, too.)

Tony seems pretty on board with keeping Sarah around, but when he relays his conversation with Chris to Blakeley, she's obviously not impressed: "Wow." She's determined that Tony will keep to their pre-determined plan - even when, during the giving of the rose, Chris interrupts Tony to take him outside and campaign for Sarah some more! You know, like he jumped in during a rose ceremony on The Bachelorette that time.

Anyway, it doesn't seem like what Chris said can have had that much effect - or even been wholly necessary - since Tony ends up giving the rose to Jaclyn. Chris certainly thinks he and Sarah are in trouble now, while Blakeley's pleased with her new partner: "He is a domesticated man." Hmm.

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Who saw that coming?

Here's Chris Harrison - which means it's almost rose ceremony time! First, Chris wants to know about the various relationships in the house, which is all very heartwarming until Ed and Jaclyn are quizzed, and Ed confidently says that he made the decision before joining Bachelor Pad not to get involved in any relationships in the mansion. But hey, he has "equal expectations" to Jaclyn, he adds.

That would be fine, if Jaclyn didn't look like someone had just slaughtered a puppy in front of her. She is devastated. It's actually a little hard to watch. Later, in private, Ed asks worriedly if Jaclyn is mad and all she can do is shake her head sadly - it's excruciating. She admits that she feels used - Ed was sleeping in her bed every night, for goodness' sake - and starts crying. Oh dear.

But moving swiftly on, Chris has got another bombshell to drop - there's a twist coming! Tonight, everyone will vote for one woman. The woman who gets the most votes will be out of the mansion... but they'll also get to choose the man who leaves! This massively changes things - suddenly, people aren't so keen to get Sarah out, since there's no way she'll be taking Chris down with her. "I love this twist!" Chris grins.

For a while, everyone's confused as they desperately try to figure out the twist's implications and who would be the best person to vote out. But Michael comes up with a plan - they'll get Erica out, and then plant the seed that Chris was behind her elimination. Sneaky! He seems to be enjoying the hell out of his plan, too, with lots of wicked grins and admissions that it's "devilish" and "evil". He's revelling in the risk.

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It's all working out for him, too, with a bunch of people agreeing to vote out Erica, and Jaclyn planting a seed in Erica's mind that Chris has already cast his vote against her. Erica is furious, and obviously goes straight to Chris, who is admittedly pathetic at persuading her he hasn't actually voted for her. Plus, Erica announces that if she's going, she's taking Chris with her. It's really not looking good for Chris, at all.

But maybe Michael is feeling too cocky, because eventually Chris comes up with a genius move - he'll take Erica into the voting booth with him to prove he's not voted for her (this is brilliant to begin with, because Erica's been told by Michael that Chris has already voted, which is clearly not true.) This is a risk in that Chris is now voting out Lindzi, who would probably pick him to leave. But up to this point, Michael's been so confident that almost everyone has been choosing to send Erica home. It's a bit too late to change the plan now... "I'm in a lot of trouble now," Michael admits.

The Rose Ceremony

So who's going to be heading home? It's either Lindzi or Erica, but it's still all feeling pretty tense. Here we go - Tony steps up to hand out the roses, and the first two go to Sarah and Rachel (kind of impressive in itself, since before the twist Sarah was guaranteed an exit.) That leaves just Erica and Lindzi, since Jaclyn and Blakeley are already safe. And the rose goes to... Lindzi!

Yes, somehow things have worked out well for Chris, which is really kind of amazing given everything that has happened. As for Michael, talk about a plan backfiring! It's Erica's turn to choose which man is going home: "I'm going to try and change things before I go and break up an alliance... If this person had been the real friend I thought he was coming into this, this wouldn't have happened." Surprise surprise - she picks Michael!

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It's a little bit hilarious to see most of the women crying - and Sarah stifling giggles. Erica wishes Sarah, Chris, Nick and Jaclyn luck... but her exit isn't over yet. Rachel's obviously devastated and she hits out at Erica, saying both she and Michael have been honest (questionable) and Erica stabbed them in the back.

So Erica uses the opportunity for a massive rant, calling Michael a "manipulative little puppet master" and even going there, saying the smartest thing Holly ever did was dump him. Eeek! "At least she's with a real man," Erica continues, as everyone winces. "I'm glad you came back and people have seen you're not the poor little victim of a love triangle. Instead you're a bad friend, a bad person. I'm so happy I'm taking you away with me. I could not be happier serving justice. This is karma." Talk about going out with a bang!

Rachel's horrified and for a moment it looks like she'll give up on the show and leave with Michael, though he convinces her to stay. Then, in the limo, Michael is basically lost for words, repeating: "Erica Rose" over and over. As for Erica, she thinks she's leaving Bachelor Pad in a better place: "Now people's minds don't have to be brainwashed. People can be free to make their own decisions." She even says she felt good kicking Michael out... "He's definitely a sore loser tonight."

So that's that, though Rachel's sobbing about how she doesn't know if she can do Bachelor Pad without Michael. I guess we'll just have to wait until Bachelor Pad returns next week to find out how she fares...

Bachelor Pad airs Mondays on ABC.

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