Anyway, we open the episode with a scene from Dan's book - Dylan Hunter is at the launch of his own novel and is getting all kinds of praise, but none of his friends are there...
In the real world, Dan's agent Allesandra is inflating his head, praising the book and revealing that it's riding high in the preorder charts. But Dan hasn't exactly told his friends that the book exists... Allesandra thinks they should come to the book launch tonight, so that gives Dan just a few hours to inform them all. Ouch.
Elsewhere, Blair and Louis are planning to tell their families their big baby news at dinner that evening. But Blair just has one person left to tell, and after getting a text message, she decides to do it right away.
Meanwhile, Serena's at work being ridiculously good at her job and writing Daniel Day-Lewis a message in an attempt to get him on board for a project Jane is working on. But she, too, gets a text (though Jane says she is allowed to look at her phone - this isn't a "gulag". Nice boss.)
We also catch up with Evil Diana and Nate, who are looking through the photos they swiped from phones at the fashion show. Nate's apparently forgotten all of his moral scruples except for one - his friends are off limits. They're still hanging on to Ivy's phone because Diana's intrigued by it. She has a "feeling" about her, apparently. Nate gets a text and heads off. Turns out that it's Charlie/Ivy calling her phone unsuccessfully, but she's distracted when someone arrives at Rufus and Lily's apartment...
Blair and Chuck bump into each other on the way to the meeting Dan has called, but Chuck refuses to say what it's about - though he knows. But when Chuck's dog Monkey spots a squirrel, he pulls away and Chuck falls into Blair (just as a girl walks past taking a picture on her phone. Oops.) Anyway, Chuck and Blair are all very civil and it's kind of lovely.
Eventually, everyone arrives at Rufus and Lily's flat but most of them don't have a clue what's going on. Blair's annoyed with Serena for having no time for her, and when Serena points out that Blair is always asleep, she claims that she is jetlagged. Meanwhile, Nate's asking Serena if she knows someone called Ivy as her phone number was in the address book. Charlie panics as Serena offers to call it, but luckily Dan arrives in the nick of time. Hurrah!
Dan confirms that he is the author of the much-buzzed about book and explains that the characters are indeed based on them all. Nate soon finds out that he's gay in the book (and we get a little dramatisation, amazing) but takes it remarkably well. Dan insists again that it's all a work of fiction and invites everyone to his party.
Nate and Rufus agree instantly, but Blair says she has a better offer - she's announcing her pregnancy. She also admits that she's not going to read the book because she'd rather stay in the dark about how nastily she's been portrayed, and Dan quickly agrees that would be a good idea (hmm). But Serena has no worries - she thinks she'll get a glowing writeup. Arrogant, much?
When everyone has gone, Charlie/Ivy sidles up to Nate and unconvincingly suggests that she might just have met someone called Ivy at the party, maybe. She says that she'd probably recognise her if she saw her, so Nate takes her back to Diana's office to see if she can find her in the photos. Surprisingly, it's no can do. However, when Diana shows up she's not too impressed to find Charlie/Ivy there, worrying she can't trust her. While she tells Nate to get rid of her, Charlie/Ivy swipes her phone - smooth - and gets out of there.
Meanwhile, Serena heads back to work and finds her colleague Sam engrossed in the book. When she reveals she used to date the author, he quickly works out that she's Sabrina. He's agape at all the things she got up to but Serena smugly advises him to keep reading and promises she'll change by the end. Anyway, she's distracted because the elusive Daniel Day-Lewis has responded to her letter and wants a conference call. Of course.
Later, Sam has heard that everyone is talking about the book. It's time for the conference call, but Daniel Day-Lewis's assistant Nigel announces that they have to postpone. Sam thinks it's because of the book - he's finished now, and Sabrina is a shallow, self-obsessed party girl. Awkward!
Jane doesn't think Daniel's reluctance will have anything to do with Serena, but when Nigel hangs up he apologises to "Sabrina". Ouch. When Serena finally gets around to reading the book, she's not too happy. How dare Dan describe her as flighty and irresponsible? Serena? Surely not.
Elsewhere, Blair comes home to find Louis glaring at the photo of her and Chuck falling into each other (looks like they're hugging! OMG!) Anyway, she explains that they were just going to meet Dan about the book, and says she already knows it will be mean about her so she just won't read it. Anyway, it's all in the past. Conveniently, the issue of her hugging Chuck is completely forgotten and Blair goes for another nap.
But while she's asleep, Louis reads the book and let's just say he's not exactly happy about it. He lies to Blair, saying that his family can no longer make it over, and then pretends he has to work and storms out in a huff. Blair picks up Dan's book where Louis left it and only needs to read one page before she's vowing to "kill Dan Humphrey". God, I love Blair when she's angry.
Meanwhile, Dan's hiding at the Empire with Chuck, who's fed up of his whining about whether everyone will accept the novel. But Dan's confused about why Chuck isn't mad - his character ends up killing himself. Chuck's only offended about the way the character hangs himself - he would use a scarf instead of a belt. In fact, he's really quite nice to Dan and comforts him.
Actually, the RSVPs begin rolling in and it looks like a lot of Dan's friends will be coming along. Dan's less convinced that they'll want to pose for a photo as Allesandra is hoping, but he's more surprised when she announces that Blair has RSVPed. Then he gets a message from Blair telling him to meet her at her apartment. Yikes.
Dan goes to see Blair, who is furious that he told everyone their "secret" and adds that he is screwing up her future plans, adding there's nothing between them. But Dan says he doesn't believe her and they kiss. And then kiss again. Oh my God... and then it's obvious that it's a scene from Dan's book that Blair's reading. NO. You cruel, cruel writers.
Dan arrives at the party but he's early, so Allesandra hides him in a study so he can make a big entrance later. Meanwhile, over at the Empire, Chuck lets slip that Nate's character is actually conflated with Eric - and called Derek. Nate is furious and calls Dan to let him know that he's no longer coming - he's not even important enough to Dan to merit his own character. And that's gotta hurt.
It's all going down at the party, actually. Chuck's flirting with Allesandra, but she kind of spoils his mood by talking about how sad it is that his character in the book ends up hanging himself and it being ages until he's found. Chuck points out his staff would find him quickly, but that's even sadder - it's not friends or family. When Allesandra says that, Chuck gets a rather interesting face on him.
Serena arrives at the party, furiously looking for Dan. Chuck tells her that everyone loves a villain and Serena admits that she used to think that - until she saw him always alone. Oof. Anyway, it's not long before she teams up with Blair and bursts into the study. They furiously shout at Dan and when Serena asks if it's true Blair slept with him, Louis arrives - to say of course it is. He admits that he thought his suspicions were ridiculous, but now he knows they're not (which is weird, because Blair was denying the whole thing).
Louis storms off, claiming that he never knows when Blair is lying, while Blair insists it's not true. Dan apologises, saying he never wanted "us" to get between Blair and Louis, but Blair replies that there is no "us" - even their friendship has gone now. NO! She's the next to storm off, leaving Dan with Serena.
Oh, and outside Chuck tries to tell Louis he's making a mistake. He urges Louis to not give up on his fact over someone else's fiction, and adds that he could have love in his life instead of ending up alone hanging in a closet. Oh God, it's so sad. But Louis just walks off.
Back at the party, though, Serena tells Dan she thought he was the only one who saw her as she was. It's not the things he put in the book, but the way he wrote about them, apparently. Dan reminds her that his character Dylan is pretty judgemental and comes out of it all the worst, adding that his friends turn their backs on him in the end.
Anyway, he has to go and make sure Blair is okay. When Serena says they're not done and Dan ruined her life too (she could lose her job!), he tells her: "If you can't tell the difference between what I did to Blair and what I did to you, maybe the portrayal is more accurate than I thought." OUCH. Luckily, Allesandra saves him by announcing it is time for his big entrance - and it's a recreation of the first scene when Dylan had no friends. Sad. Oh, and Serena's not too happy when she's at work later and is told to secure the movie rights to Inside. Time to make friends with Dan, dear!
That's not all the drama going on, though. Evil Diana calls Charlie/Ivy's phone and she stupidly answers it before realising what's going on. She goes to see her and reveals the truth - but begs Evil Diana not to give the game away. She feels like she belongs somewhere for once (my heart bleeds). Evil Diana says that when the others discover the truth they will destroy Charlie/Ivy - but she'll keep her secret for now. But what does she want in return? Well, when Nate shows up he discovers he has a new colleague - Charlie/Ivy. Hmm...
The next day, Blair and Serena are comforting each other. Blair is worried that Louis will never speak to her again and finally reveals that she's pregnant. But it's not such happy news now - what if she's alone? Serena promises to help and Blair says she can always count on her - and she wishes Louis felt the same about her. And tada! Louis shows up in the door, saying he does. He apologises for being horrid and Blair gives him an ultimatum - find a way to trust her or let her go. Louis could never let her go, of course, so he hugs her. Hurrah! Although was it just me, or was Louis's face when they were in bed later not so happy?
Elsewhere, Chuck goes to see Lily to get some reassurance about the fact that he is always alone. Lily insists that people care about him - Dan's book is just a book. She advises him to let people in, but he falteringly says that Blair's lost to him. Chuck is so heartbreaking here, and his face when he's sitting alone at the Empire later is even worse.
Meanwhile, Dan's reading his reviews and getting all big-headed when Rufus shows up. He admits that the book broke his heart - he never regretted giving up his career to raise the kids, but Dan portrayed him as a has been turned trophy husband who married for money. Dan tries to insist that it's all fictional and artistic licence, but Rufus sighs sadly: "I never expected to be your hero - I just didn't think I'd end up the fool." Normally, Rufus is a bit of annoyance, but here he was perfectly used and it was so sad.
The episode finishes with Allesandra calling up Dan to ask how many tickets she should put aside for friends and family at his book reading that night. But he sadly tells her it will just be him. This whole episode was sad, really - but actually, it was rather good indeed. XOXO!
- Is anyone else counting down the days until we get to see Leighton Meester in a pregnancy suit? Can't. Wait.
- "I don't want her to think I'm the star of a trashy MTV show like Unmarried Pregnant Princesses or Royally Screwed." MTV. Make this happen.
- Chuck and Monkey make me so happy. Could there be anything cuter than the fact that Chuck has installed a dog gate in his apartment? And seeing him on a walk and saying: "Good boy" filled me with joy. I'm continuing my spinoff campaign.
- Charlie/Ivy is the worst secret keeper ever. She's constantly suspicious. Dan comes to announce his book: "This isn't about me, right?" she screeches.
- "Your novel seems to be very well punctuated, and I like the font." I LOVE BLAIR.
- Serena was so unbelievably smug about how she assumed she'd been portrayed in Dan's book that I was thrilled when she found out the truth. Ha.
- Do we really think that Blair would call her son Pierre? Really?
- "Scotch?" "It's 2pm." "Valium?"
- "I enjoy watching you squirm."
- Dan could really have been more inventive with his naming. Charlie Trout? REALLY?
- "Let me tell you from experience - everyone loves a villain."
- I do love an awkward photo. Louis's grumpy face was amazing.
- Ed Westwick was really quite great in this episode when Chuck was finally introspective, and realised that he's missing so much in his life. Heartbreaking.