Gossip Girl has been great this season and this episode was another solid instalment of fun television. But what was happening to our Upper East Siders this week?
Let's start with Blair and Louis, who are announcing the whole pregnancy thing to their families (to coincide with Yom Kippur). Cyrus is immediately thrilled, of course, though Eleanor doesn't seem quite so happy.
And Sophie's pleased, too, as long as the baby's born after the wedding. Blair thanks Beatrice for keeping her secret (don't trust her, Blair!) but Serena can't stay for the celebrations - she's got a lot of work to do.
Later, Blair is explaining her pregnancy plans, but Beatrice starts her evil whispering in her mother's ear (with Blair currently unscheming, it's good to have someone to fill the gap). Basically, she's saying Blair might not exactly bring up her child to Monaco's grand traditions... and it certainly sets Sophie thinking.
In fact, Sophie announces that Blair will have to give birth in Monaco and send her child to boarding school. Eleanor doesn't take too kindly to these demands and Louis is forced to step in, saying Blair will discuss the issues with him in private. Blair's thrown by all the drama and leaves, giving Beatrice the perfect opportunity to poison her mother's brain by whispering: "See what happens when she doesn't get her way?" In French, naturally.
Elsewhere, Jane's breathing down Serena's neck - she's turned from cool boss to evil dictator rather quickly. Basically, she needs the rights to Dan's book. Dan's still being shut out by everyone, so when Serena texts him to ask if he fancies breakfast, he jumps at it.
When they meet, Serena apologises for overreacting to the book and Dan is a little relieved. And when Serena not-at-all-subtly brings up the movie rights, he's even more excited. He admits that he'd be happy if she could sort it out for him.
But then he has to leave for his first TV interview, and speaks to Allesandra on the way. She reveals that he can't lock down movie rights yet - Harvey-blooming-Weinstein is interested! Exciting, right? The only problem is, Serena's confidently phoning Jane to say she thinks she's got the rights locked down. I see trouble ahead...
So Dan gets to his TV interview and Allesandra advises him to mention the producers interested in his book live on TV so it gathers momentum. Dan wants to call Serena beforehand, but of course Allesandra advises him not to - she's a friend! She'll be happy whatever! Has Allesandra met Serena?
Of course, Serena ends up seeing the television interview - and then Blair walks in asking for help with her in-law problems. Naturally, Serena is a little distracted, and basically ignores her bestie - and when Jane comes in to criticise her for gossiping, she basically shoos Blair away. It's the final straw for Miss Waldorf, who calls Louis to say that she has decided she is happy to move to Monaco with him. Heartbreaking. Happy, Serena?
But when Blair gets home, she discovers that Louis hasn't told his family - he thinks they should talk first, and wants to make sure Blair isn't just bowing to pressure. However, Blair doesn't hang about, and when Sophie and Beatrice appear, she tells them of her plans to move. Sophie's thrilled, while Beatrice does a great line in sick-looking faces. Love it.
Elsewhere, Diana's about to launch the New York Spectator - but then Gossip Girl releases a blast announcing that a new rival stole cellphones from the Jenny Packham fashion show. Nate urges Diana to abort the launch, pointing out that everyone will know the Spectator took the phones if they go live now, and Diana agrees.
Charlie/Ivy gets called into Diana's office, but insists she didn't leak anything. Well, Diana's got her evil-face on again and announces that if Charlie/Ivy doesn't find her some solid gold scoop soon, she'll tell the world the truth about her. Yikes! When Nate arrives, he insists he's not prepared to compromise his friends - unlike Charlie/Ivy. But Diana decides to go snooping herself - at the Waldorfs' Yom Kippur celebration. Can Nate get her an invite?
Charlie/Ivy goes back to the Van Der Woodsen apartment and sees Lily placing her jewellery in the safe - Rufus is too depressed over Dan to go to Yom Kippur. As Lily locks the safe, she coincidentally happens to mention the files Bart Bass collected on the family. Ding ding ding! Soon, Charlie/Ivy manages to persuade Lily and Rufus to go to Yom Kippur after all, getting the apartment to herself.
After talking to Chuck, Nate decides that he might be able to cross lines after all and heads over to the Van Der Woodsen apartment to help out Charlie. He soon discovers her trying to crack the safe and texts Chuck for the combination - Chuck's more than happy to oblige. But when the pair have the files in front of them he has a change of heart and decides to put them back. Charlie pretends to agree when he points out that this is her family - but yeah, I don't believe her, do you?
Over at the Waldorfs, Diana's already there and talking to Beatrice. Uh oh. And when Eleanor arrives, Beatrice takes the opportunity to revel in Blair's planned move to Monaco. Eleanor's shocked but rallies, and says it's not like Blair's signing a contract or anything. Hello, is that a twinkle in Beatrice's eye?
Meanwhile, it's not long before Diana hears that actually Beatrice would quite like Blair and Louis to remain in New York so she wouldn't be overlooked any more. Diana agrees to help - in exchange for the inside story of a royal feud. Beatrice doesn't appear to realise that this might hurt her as well and flashes her evil smile again. Seriously enjoying that grin.
Later, Blair has got Cyrus checking some paperwork that Sophie has drawn up regarding Blair's unborn child. She's happy to sign - it's just protocol - but Cyrus soon uncovers some dastardly clauses. Like that Blair can't be in New York for more than 48 hours without potentially losing her child. Ouch. "Outrageous," as Louis splutters.
In fact, he goes to confront Sophie straight away, though she denies all knowledge of the "removing custody" clause. It's not long before Beatrice admits that she included it - Blair has no respect for tradition or the monarchy!
Blair is furious and says of course Sophie will remove it, but Sophie says that the way she has reacted has convinced her to keep it in the contract. And if Blair doesn't sign, she won't recognise Louis or his child as heirs. But Louis goes all badass and says that it is up to his child to recognise Sophie. Dum dum dum! And all the while, Beatrice flashes her malicious smile.
Beatrice and Sophie decide to leave, as Louis begs them not to make this mistake. But Sophie tells him he's the erring one, and shouldn't trust Blair. Louis insists that he knows all her secrets but they're gone - oh, and Sophie's saying she won't overlook Beatrice anymore. Well, that's all right then. Beatrice and Diana smile at each other - ooh, the two of them together would make a great spinoff.
Eleanor comforts Blair - and admits that she may have been the one who suggested a contract. But she thinks Blair will be a wonderful mother because she is her own person. They share a teary mother-daughter moment and it's all lovely and emotional. It even forces Rufus to think about calling Dan to make up.
Over with Serena, Jane's gone full-blown mean girl and is having a right go at Serena for losing the rights - Harvey Weinstein's almost done a deal. Well, Serena's not going to hang around being told that she can't work for anything - she's got a plan! And it involves leaking a fake story to Deadline saying that Jane's got the movie rights. Harvey pulls out - and Dan's not so happy.
He goes to confront Serena, but instead finds Jane - who insists she has no knowledge of the fake story and would never have told Serena to do that. Serena soon arrives and admits that she was entirely responsible. Jane is furious and Serena later admits that she thinks she has lost her job.
Dan's more annoyed that her apology earlier was fake. But Serena explains that she was just upset about her portrayal because Dan was the love of her life - and she thought she was his. Sure, Serena can be frustrating and annoying, but somehow this was OK.
Serena has apparently had an epiphany and goes to apologise to Blair for not being there for her - and to admit that she was jealous that Blair is the star of Dan's book. But they make up quickly and it's all lovely. And then Dan calls Serena and says he'll give her the movie rights after all (for God's sake, Dan. What are you doing?) He explains that she inspired him and he wouldn't even have been able to write the book without her (excuse me while I vomit.)
Over at the Spectator offices, Diana got enough royal scoop by herself to launch the website, so Nate and Charlie/Ivy are off the hook. Or are they? Charlie gets called to Diana's office - she did hand over those files after all! Diana gives them back, saying there's nothing she can use (much to Charlie/Ivy's relief). Oh, but she slips a photo out of Bart's folder. When Charlie/Ivy's gone, she looks at it - is that a picture of DIANA? Well, we don't get too long to look, because Diana burns it. Interesting...
If you're thinking we haven't seen much of Chuck, you're right. Well, he takes Monkey for a walk (love them, just love them) and bumps into a pretty lady. It turns out she's a psychiatrist called Eliza Barnes - perfect, since Chuck's been feeling a little out of sorts.
He turns up at her office and she agrees to talk to him, but it's not long before he's propositioning her on her couch. Yeah, Eliza's not too into that and tells him to leave - she's off to a service for Yom Kippur. Chuck decides to ask Nate for advice about dating older women and Nate tells him to work out what matters to Eliza.
Chuck ends up tracking down Eliza at her temple, but she doesn't feel like dating. Instead, in a really sad moment, she gives it to him straight - he acts like a child in the worst way because he never had a childhood, he pays for intimacy so he's in control and no-one can get close, and he's alone and isolated because of his superficial connections and lack of authority. Mince your words, Eliza, honestly. But it's stunning to watch Chuck's confident grin fade and falter as he realises the truth of what she's saying. Devastating.
And it has an impact, too - Chuck ends up calling Eliza's voicemail and saying he needs help. He's even known it since last year, and he's ready to be serious, if she'll help him.
We end the episode with Blair, who finds Louis sitting alone in her bedroom. And her bureau drawer is open - has Louis found the paternity test? He says he was just looking for a pen (worst excuse ever). Blair, thinking she's in the clear, apologises for making him choose between her and his mother, but he says she's the only family he needs.
But when Blair goes to run a bath, he takes an envelope out of his pocket - the paternity test! OMG! So he calls someone asking for their help, and offering to pay for their time. It's only Eliza! What on Earth is going on here? I don't know, but I can't wait to find out... XOXO!
- It is always a pleasure to see Cyrus on my television screen. "Is the Northern Spotted Owl still a predator?"
- "The last thing this family needs is another bastard."
- Blair sent a sonogram to Constance St Judes as part of an application. Incredible.
- I love that Dan bought Monkey a collar. And I love that his giggle seemed genuine when Chuck suggested using it on girls.
- Also, Dan feels like he's gone back to the old days where everyone is ignoring him. "At least it's because they hate you, not because they don't know you exist," Chuck counsels him. Nice.
- Speaking of which, LOVING the Chuck/Dan bromance.
- Dan was adorably nervous about his TV interview. "That's a good tactic, piling on the pressure right before your already-prone-to-nervous-rambling client goes on live television for the first time."
- "I really want to hear about your working girl woes, but I feel like I'm living in Rosemary's Baby."
- "I have an idea for you. Quit! Your boss is a bitch, let's go get lunch." Ah, Blair.
- Rufus. I know you've made up with Dan now, but seriously. Grow up!
- Ed Westwick continues to surprise me with just how darn good he is.
- "Since we're not in a Jason Bateman movie, we'll have to think of another plan."
- "I'm not off my meds, but I've kind of lost my mind."
- "Sibling rivalry, backstabbing, familial manipulation - you really are a royal family, aren't you?"